


Being There

by chali



Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Nakamaship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2018-12-07 06:24:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 34,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11617803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chali/pseuds/chali
Summary: No matter how strong Luffy is, there's no way he could have completely recovered from the war over those two years, and his crew know this. They want to help him. This is a series of one-shots based around each of the Strawhats helping their captain deal with PTSD.





	1. Usopp

In the few weeks that the crew had been reunited, no one could really say that Luffy had shown any outward signs of the pain that he was in. They knew that it was there and that he was suffering, yet he never gave any indication of it. But that didn't stop them from looking, from waiting for the moment when he finally broke. It's not that they _wanted_ him to be suffering, because of course they didn't, it's just that they knew he was. How could he not be? None of them knew the exact details of the war and Ace's death and how exposed to it Luffy had really been, but they knew that their captain was still suffering because of it. And they wanted to help him. They wanted to help him like he had helped all of them time and time again. And so they looked for signs, any signs at all, of their captain's pain. They looked, and one by one they found them. And they helped.

* * *

Usopp sighed for what had to be the hundredth time that night as he stared blankly at the dark sea before him, half wishing for an enemy ship to turn up just to end the boredom that came with being on watch. He wanted something to do; some invention to work on or a book to read. But he wasn't like Robin, who could read a book and create extra eyes to keep watch at the same time. No. Instead, on the off chance that something might actually happen, all Usopp could do was scan the calm waters and sigh every few minutes. It was just as well, since if he _had_ found something else to occupy his time he wouldn't have noticed his captain stumble out of the men's quarters with a hand clamped over his mouth. He wouldn't have seen said captain rush to the railings before leaning his upper body over them, throwing up what had to have been every meal that Sanji had cooked them for the past two days. As it was, Usopp did notice. And, after the initial shock wore off and worry- or, to be more precise, panic- took over, he quickly sprang up from his position on the bench of the crow's nest and started down the ladder.

When he got to the deck and ran hesitantly to where he had seen Luffy, he stopped a few steps from his captain and suddenly found that he couldn't go any further. Luffy was no longer leaning over the rails, but was instead kneeling on the ground with his hands and head pressed against them, trying and failing to get his breath back. Usopp couldn't help but notice that he was trembling- violently. His panic now clawing at his chest, Usopp floundered for a moment before hesitantly calling out.

"L-Luffy?"

He heard Luffy's breath hitch as the boy flinched, clearly having not noticed that he was no longer alone. He kept his head down for a few more seconds, still struggling to slow his breathing, before lifting his head just enough to glance warily at Usopp from under sweaty bangs. They looked at each other blankly for a few seconds, both breathing heavily, both wondering what their next move should be, before Luffy shifted slightly and moved to stand up. Usopp quickly moved to help him, grabbing the arm closest to him and pulling, trying to ignore that damn shaking. After Luffy was standing, Usopp still didn't let go. He couldn't. Not when Luffy was crying. Which he was. Tracks lined his cheeks and tears dripped from his chin. He tried to wipe them off with the arm that wasn't caught in Usopp's grip, sniffing quietly, trying to get himself under control. But it quickly became clear to both of them that the tears weren't stopping any time soon, and he ended up pressing his hand against his face so that his eyes were hidden. Usopp's hold tightened. Chopper's tears he could deal with, Nami's tears he could deal with. Hell, even Sanji's, on the few occassions Usopp had witnessed them. But Luffy's tears were another matter. Another matter entirely.

Of course, Usopp had seen Luffy cry before. But those tears had been comedic, over trivial things like running out of meat or not being allowed to share the desserts with the ladies. Or else they had been happy tears, like when Usopp had returned to them at Water 7. The only time that he had witnessed Luffy really crying had been when they were saying goodbye to Merry, and at that point nearly everyone was crying, all of them sharing the same pain. So now, suddenly faced with this Luffy, with his trembling hand hiding his red-rimmed eyes, with his red, wet nose and his tear streaked cheeks- faced with this Luffy, Usopp for the life of him couldn't think of what to do, what to say. He opened his mouth, hoping that something resembling comfort or even humour might somehow spill out, but before he could say anything Luffy beat him to it.

"S-sorry, Usopp." He whispered in a slightly hoarse voice, still not moving his hand away from his face. "It's fine. I'm fine-" He tried to pull free from Usopp's now vice-like grip on his arm, but Usopp was having none of it. Not this time. They had let Luffy suffer on his own for two years, just like he had asked them to. But now they were together again, and they weren't going to let him continue like this. Not anymore. He had saved them all so many times- now it was their turn to do the same.

"H-hold on- wait!" He turned Luffy round so that they were facing each other and, without releasing his grip on his captain, used his other hand to try to pry Luffy's hand away from his face. "What- why- wha... A-are you alright?"

Luffy took a deep, shuddering breath and allowed his hand to be moved, but he still refused to meet Usopp's eyes. He stared at the floor silently for a few seconds, which felt like eons to Usopp, before he looked up and flashed a rather shaky imitation of his signature grin- all teeth and closed eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine now! Just a bad dream- took me by surprise a bit, y'know?" His attempt at a carefree attitude was betrayed by the sharpness with which he withdrew from Usopp's grip. "Were you on watch? You should get back." He started to turn away.

"Wait a minute!" Usopp grabbed his wrist and spun him around to face him again. "Don't do that! Don't push me away like that! Talk to me! You can't expect me to find you like this and just brush it off like it doesn't even-"

Luffy cut him off sharply, all attempts at blitheness gone. "It's nothing for you to worry about. I already told you, I'm fine."

"Like hell you are! Nothing for me to worry about? Bullshit! If you had found any of us like this-"

"I'm fine!" Luffy's voice was rising to a shout, his tears having stopped as frustration replaced them. "Just leave me alone and go back to watch!"

"Not until you tell me what this is all about!"

"I already told you! It was a nightmare! I've had them before so it's not like I don't know how to deal with them!" At this Usopp felt his grip slacken of its own accord, and Luffy took the opportunity to tear free and move back a few paces. Usopp couldn't bring himself to move after him, instead trying to process what Luffy had just revealed to him.

"You've... had them before?" Usopp asked, almost in a whisper, not quite wanting to believe that his carefree and happy captain had suffered from nightmares so severe that they made him ill before- and yet knowing that it was true because _how could it not be_? After seeing Ace's body on the front page, even Usopp had had nightmares every night for weeks, and that was just from what he had seen and read in the newspaper. But Luffy had been _in_ the war. He had fought in it. Ace had been his _brother._ Every piece of information to be gleaned from the papers was sure to be ten times worse on the actual battlefield- and Luffy had been right in the middle of all of it. Usopp couldn't even begin to imagine the horrors that his captain, his friend, had been subjected to. So of course Luffy would have had nightmares. Of course he would still have nightmares. Usopp knew, with a sharp pang of guilt, that he- that all of them- should have realised this before now.

Or perhaps they had realised, and had just pushed it to the back of their minds because god did they want to go back two years and erase all of Luffy's pain and misery and loneliness. Luffy, who it seemed hadn't meant his words to have such a reaction, seemed to be torn between using this opportunity to retreat back to his bed or to respond to Usopp's hushed question. He hesitantly chose the latter.

"U-uh... yeah... a few times." Came the quiet, terrible confirmation. "Since the war. I haven't had any since we all found each other again, so I thought they had stopped. Guess they haven't..." Luffy suddenly gave himself a small shake and smiled that infuriating fake smile again. "But don't worry, honestly! Like I said, I've dealt with them before, so it's fine. I'm fine." Usopp clenched his fists by his side.

"No. You're not. Luffy. Talk to me about it..." Luffy's smile was suddenly replaced with an anger that startled both of them.

"No." He turned away, starting back to the men's quarters. "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to remember it. I'll be fine. I _am_ fine. Just get back to your watch and let me go back to bed."

"Luffy-"

"Usopp, please just stop-" He had reached the door and made to open it, fully planning on putting this whole night behind him, but Usopp refused to let him go.

"Luffy!" He walked quickly forward and made to grab his captain's arm again and to turn him round and just shake him until everything- all his pain and grief- came spilling out because Luffy shouldn't have to suffer like this alone and they were his nakama and he had saved them so many times and for all the love that he had for them he just didn't seem to realise that they loved him just as much and they just wanted to help him like he helped them so many times-

But this time when Usopp's hand circled round his arm Luffy spun around quickly and, in a flash of pure panic and anger, caught Usopp hard on the face with the arm that the sharpshooter wasn't holding. Usopp let go with a small exclamation- more of shock than of pain because had Luffy just _hit_ him?- which he immediately regretted as he saw the expression on Luffy's face morph from fury into one of horror and shame.

They stood in shocked silence.

Luffy stared wide-eyed at Usopp, who brought a hand up to lightly touch his smarting cheek.

"I-" His voice was quiet and hoarse, and he looked like he was feeling ill all over again. "I- shit. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I- I-"

Usopp could stared at his captain in complete shock; he'd never seen Luffy this flustered before.

"L-Luffy... It's fine. I-It's fine. You just panicked-" He stretched out an arm to place on Luffy's shoulder, hoping to comfort his captain who seemed close to hyperventilating. But Luffy only backed up until he was pressed against the door, his head down, and Usopp, not wanting to push him any further, quickly pulled his hand back.

Luffy had never lashed out at any of them before. He had never acted like this in front of them. What the hell happened in his nightmare that was bad enough to make him like this? Standing before Usopp right now was an entirely different person to his usual happy, bubbly, over-excited captain. And then Usopp realised that the reason he couldn't figure out how to handle this situation is because, up until now, Luffy had always been completely honest with them about his feelings. Luffy was someone who usually wore his heart on his sleeve. He had never lied to any of them about what what he was thinking, he had never hesitated in being open with them- until now. Now, Luffy was feeling something so painful and so horrible that he felt he couldn't share it with his nakama. He couldn't seek help from the very people who wanted to help him most- and, at that moment, the only people who could help him at all. When Usopp realised this, he felt like his heart was breaking. He reached out a final time to Luffy- this time asking him, begging him, to just reach back and let Usopp help him-

But Luffy caught sight of the action from the corner of his eye and pressed further into the door, seeming to shrink into himself. He finally looking up from his hand, which he had been staring at like it was some dangerous animal, and stared at the sharpshooter with wide, terrified eyes. Usopp felt like crying.

He tried to speak around the lump in his throat. "Luffy-"

Luffy had tears of his own gathering in the corners of his eyes again but seemed to be too horrified at himself to care anymore. "Usopp, I'm so sorry! I- I swear I never meant to, I just- I-"

"I know! Luffy it's fi-"

"I'm going back to bed."

"Luffy please just listen to me-"

"I'm sorry. Goodnight, Usopp..." And with that, Luffy fled back into the men's quarters.

Usopp was left standing in the same place Luffy had struck him, a small but dark bruise forming on his cheek.

"Well, shit..." He turned, slightly dazed, and slowly made his way back into the crows nest.

* * *

When Usopp descended from the nest the next morning and made his way into the kitchen, he found a cup of tea already waiting for him on the table. It had become something of a morning routine between Sanji and whoever had been on watch the night before that their drink of preference would be waiting for them when they came down in the morning, and Sanji always took great care to get the beverages perfect, as with everything that he cooked. This morning was no different, and as Usopp sat wearily down at the table he cupped his hands gratefully around the steaming cup and took a long gulp.

After Luffy had left him, he hadn't stopped debating with himself about whether or not he should tell the others what had happened. While he understood that everyone would want to help Luffy- and that Luffy, even if he didn't realise it himself, would want everyone to help him too- after seeing how distressed Luffy became last night after being confronted by just Usopp, he knew that all of them trying to help him at once would be no help whatsoever. So he decided that he would keep quiet about it for now, and resolved to talk it through with his captain as soon as possible. That just left the issue of explaining what had by now developed into a small but vivid purple blemish high on Usopp's cheek.

He sighed, and decided to just get it over with.

"Morning."

Sanji returned the greeting from his position by the stove. "Morning. There's tea on the ta- What happened to your face?" Sanji had turned to face him, and, as Usopp had been expecting, had not missed a beat in pinpointing the bruise.

"Uh... nothing really." Seeing Sanji raise his eyebrow at the blatant attempt to brush the question aside, Usopp continued. "I just, uh, tripped over Zoro's weights. Hit my cheek on the bench." He gave a nervous laugh and scratched the back of his head, trying his best to look sheepish while silently begging Sanji not to pry any further. The cook simply raised his eyebrow higher before turning back to his cooking.

"Heh, baka." Usopp laughed again before returning his gaze to his cup.

When the others came in, they had similar reactions. Robin, being the next one up, simply blinked and inquired politely as to what had happened, giving a quiet chuckle upon hearing the answer. When Nami came in with a drowsy Chopper trailing behind her, her sharp exclamation erased any traces of sleep from Chopper's face in a second, and in the next he was climbing onto Usopp's lap and poking frantically around the small injury. Franky and Brook walked in during the commotion, and, after hearing Usopp's hasty explanation, Franky sat next to him and threw a large metal arm around his shoulders in what Usopp assumed was meant to be a comforting manner but was actually quite painful. Brook simply laughed and took a seat. The second Zoro walked through the door Nami punched him solidly on the head for leaving his equipment lying around, to which Zoro responded, in an angry and very confused manner, that he had put it all away the night before just like he always does. Usopp averted his eyes and sent Zoro a silent apology, hoping that the swordsman would drop the topic.

After that everyone settled down and began the usual morning chatter, but Usopp couldn't bring himself to join them, because breakfast was almost ready and Luffy- usually one of the first ones at the table- still hadn't come in. He was about to shake Franky and Chopper off and go to the men's quarters to get him when the door suddenly opened and his captain- looking even more worn out than he had the previous night- walked in. He glanced briefly at Usopp, their eyes meeting only for a second, before he plastered a blinding- and this time infuriatingly convincing- smile on his face.

"Sanji! Meshi!"

"Shut up and sit down. It's almost ready."

Luffy took a seat at the opposite end of the table from Usopp, joining the conversation enthusiastically. Usopp stared at him. He hadn't known how Luffy was going to react, but he had hoped it wouldn't be like this. If Luffy had tried to apologise to him again, Usopp could have explained to him then and there that there was nothing to be sorry for and that Luffy should talk to him. If Luffy had been hesitant in approaching Usopp about the incident, returning the worried glances and responding to the attempts at getting his attention, then Usopp wouldn't have hesitated in making the first move to resolve the issue. But that wasn't what Luffy was doing. Instead, he was doing what was probably the most un-Luffyish thing he possibly could do- avoiding the issue entirely. Avoiding _Usopp_ entirely. And because this was the last thing Usopp would ever have expected from his usually stubborn and unhesitant captain, he once again had no idea how to respond.

Usopp gave up on trying to get Luffy's attention across the table about halfway through breakfast, but as he began to divert his gaze back to his only picked at plate, he noticed Zoro glancing between him and Luffy. Their eyes met, and Zoro furrowed his eyebrows. Usopp simply shook his head, a clear message to leave it be for now. Zoro held his gaze for a few more seconds before letting his breath out quickly through his nose and returning his gaze to Luffy, who had remained oblivious to the whole thing.

Breakfast passed without any drama. If anyone besides Zoro noticed Usopp's strange quietness, or how Luffy was pointedly refusing to look at or speak to him, they didn't show it. Which, Usopp decided, was just as well. He had decided that he was going to deal with this on his own. He would wait until after breakfast was finished and everyone was busy with their own things before catching Luffy and confronting him privately about it. But Luffy seemed to have suspected Usopp would do that, since as soon as the meal was finished he dragged Franky to his workshop, excitedly asking him about any new inventions. Franky, while surprised, was eager to comply, and they both quickly disappeared below decks.

Usopp's shoulders sank, and he stayed seated at the table as the kitchen emptied. Zoro, who was on washing up duty, turned to face him from the sink.

"I put my weights away last night. I always do."

Usopp said nothing.

"Luffy looks pretty exhausted too, don't you think? It's like he didn't sleep at all last night."

"Zoro. Please just leave it. I'm going to sort it with him."

Usopp looked up at the swordsman leaning across the counter, and made it clear in his eyes that he wasn't going to back down. This was between him and Luffy, and he wouldn't let any of the others get involved. Zoro searched his eyes for a few seconds, then, seemingly satisfied with what he had found, turned back to the sink.

"Good. You better."

Usopp stared at his back for a moment, then left the kitchen.

* * *

The rest of the morning passed similarly to breakfast. Usopp made every effort to talk to Luffy, who was making an even bigger effort to avoid Usopp altogether. After lunch had passed and the two still hadn't spoken even one word to each other that morning, the others began to pick up on the situation. Usopp simply shook his head at every questioning look he received, indicating that they stay out of it and that he would handle it, whereas Luffy simply pretended not to notice.

As the day wore on, Usopp became increasingly concerned- as did everyone else- but more than that, Usopp became angry. It was not often that he got truly angry, especially not at anyone in the crew, but he could still recognise the meaning behind the tightness in his chest, the frown that he just couldn't seem to lose, the urge to just drop the _everythingisfine_ act and grab and shake and shout at his captain until he just came clean about whatever the hell had happened last night- because this was all _wrong_.

They all had weak moments, Usopp understood that better than most of them. But everyone on the crew knew that whenever those moments came, they could rely on each other to get through them. It was _Luffy_ that always made that clear to them. Made sure they remembered that out here, in the New World, the only thing that they really had was each other, they were each other's family, and without each other everything would fall apart. They knew that. Luffy had _taught_ them that. And yet here Usopp found Luffy completely ignoring everything he told them, ignoring _them_ , his friends, his nakama- completely disregarding their concern for him, their desire to help him, their love for him- and trying to hide his pain from them, to carry his burdens on his own. Usopp wasn't even sure if Luffy realised how much that hurt each of them.

Dinner showed no improvement. But Usopp hadn't expected any, and he didn't make any more attempts at talking to Luffy. Instead, he spent his time thinking about exactly how he was going to approach his captain that night. He knew that Luffy wasn't going to be any less reluctant to talk, but he was adamant not to let him go this time, no matter how much he resisted. Usopp looked at Luffy, sitting across from him, eating quietly (for once), hat shadowing his eyes- and realised that no amount of planning was going to make this any easier for either of them. This would hurt them both, but it would also help them both, Luffy especially, and therefore had to be done. He met Zoro's eye across the table, and the swordsman nodded, clearly conveying his message. _I'll handle the others._ With that reassurance in mind, Usopp relaxed and quickly finished his meal.

* * *

That night, after Zoro had ushered everyone but Luffy to bed early, Usopp caught Luffy- who was slightly surprised at his abruptness- by the arm before he too could disappear into the men's quarters and dragged him over to the helm, where he promptly sat on the floor and dragged his unresisting captain down with him. Then, the two now facing each other, Usopp met Luffy's gaze and relentlessly held it. Luffy- ever a stubborn one- refused to back down from the sudden challenge, and they stared at each other intensely for a few minutes before Usopp broke the silence.

"Tell me." His voice left no room for argument. Luffy obviously picked up on the tone, as his eyes became even more guarded. He tore his gaze away and furrowed his brow. "Tell me. You don't have to tell anyone else, not yet. And I won't tell anyone either. But you need to tell me. Now. Because this can't go on. Not for you and not for us either. We've let you suffer on your own for too long and I'll be damned if I-"

"I dreamt about Impel Down last night." Luffy said quietly, interrupting Usopp, who fell silent immediately. Luffy wasn't looking at him, but he could see the tired resignation in his eyes. "I used to dream about it a lot more, but the nightmares stopped after we got back. Last night it just caught me off guard, that's all."

Usopp, quite surprised by Luffy's sudden willingness to talk, waited for him to say more, and when he didn't quietly asked, "What happened?" Luffy's shoulders tensed and he drew his lips into a thin line. His eyes darkened for a moment before he began.

"A lot happened, and I- I don't think I'm really... ready. To tell you everything." He brought his eyes up to meet Usopp's again, begging him not to push it. Usopp could see his desperation, as well as his fear, and conceded, nodding his head. Luffy relaxed only slightly before he began.

"Last night I dreamt about Impel Down, and about Bon Clay," Usopp frowned. Bon Clay? As in Mr. 2, from Alabasta? Luffy ran into him in Impel Down? But if that was the case, and he was one of the escapees, then wouldn't Usopp have heard about him?

"He helped us fight to get to Ace, and he broke me out of the cell on Level 5," At this Usopp's blood ran cold. He had known that Luffy had broken into Impel Down, but he had actually been _caught_? He'd been _imprisoned_? None of them had heard about that, and Usopp didn't want to imagine what Luffy must have gone through to get into that situation. He had to bite his tongue to keep from asking, and remained silent as Luffy continued. "He was the one that got me to Iva-chan, and I could hear him cheering for me when... T-then, when we were all escaping he-" Luffy's breath caught, and he blinked rapidly, clearly struggling as he began to relive the memories of what had happened. "We were on the ship- we were getting out, I thought he was with us- he was _meant_ to be with us, I would never have left if had known, but then- he was on the den-den mushi and he was still back there. He sacrificed himself to open the gates for us and Magellan he-" Usopp wanted desperately to reach out and hug his captain, to grasp his shaking hands and tell him that that was enough, he'd remembered enough, he'd said enough- but he hadn't. He had to get it all out, it was the only way for him to recover. All Usopp could do was clench his fists and hold Luffy's stare. He knew he couldn't interrupt now. Luffy continued in a shaky voice. "Before he- before Magellan... H-he-" He took a steadying breath. "Bon-chan told me. He said that I _had_ to do it- save Ace. I mean, I was going to do it anyway but... Bon-chan sacrificed himself so that I could save Ace- and I failed. It was all for nothing."

He fell silent then. Usopp didn't need to pry any further to figure out what he was feeling.

"No," said Usopp. "No. It wasn't for nothing. I know that Ace died, but what you did, what Bon Clay did- it wasn't for nothing. You shouldn't blame yourself for Bon Clay's sacrifice. Like you said, you didn't even know he had stayed behind."

"But-"

"You did all that you could! In fact, you probably did more than that! I bet you pushed yourself far beyond what you could handle to save Ace, going against the worst odds imaginable! It's true that you weren't able to save Ace, but I think he still would have been pretty damn grateful in the end."

Luffy raised his eyebrows and let out an uncharacteristically bitter laugh. "Grateful? For what? For letting him die?"

"You didn't _'let_ ' him die. You did everything in your power to save him, and that's what I think he would have been grateful for! Just knowing that you tried so hard, that you put everything on the line for him."

Luffy said nothing to this, only frowned once again- he had done that far too many times over the past twenty-four hours, Usopp decided.

"Luffy," he said, quietly but firmly. Luffy looked at him. "It wasn't your fault. None of it. Not Bon Clay, and certainly not Ace." Luffy looked like he had something to say to counter this, but decided against it. Usopp frowned slightly but continued. "You did all you could. You couldn't have tried any harder than you did, and even if you could have it might not have made any difference. You were up against the entire _Navy,_ for god's sake. Even Whitebeard never made it out. Ace would have been grateful, and so would Bon Clay. So don't blame yourself for anything. The only people to blame for this are the Marines with their so-called 'justice'."

Luffy had not looked away from Usopp throughout his speech, so Usopp could see the tears gathering slowly in his captain's eyes. They both looked down, slightly embarrassed, and as Luffy hastily rubbed his eyes he let out a gentle, but thankfully genuine, laugh.

"Thanks, Usopp."

He looked up at the sharpshooter, any trace of tears gone, and smiled. It wasn't a big grin like his usual one, nor was it one of those horrifying fake smiles from the night before. This one was small, and completely real, and it filled Usopp with such an overwhelming wave of relief that he felt tears forming in his own eyes. He blinked quickly and smiled back at Luffy. They both sat for a few more minutes, enjoying the peacefulness and the lack of stoniness in the silence, before Luffy stood up and stretched.

"Argh, I'm on watch tonight... I wonder if I could steal a snack for the night before I head up..."

Usopp shook his head fondly as Luffy's gaze travelled towards the galley door, before saying, "If you want, I could stay up on watch with you tonight. I'm not that tired anyway."

While he said this as an excuse not to leave Luffy alone, he found that it was actually true. Despite having spent last night awake, he found that after hearing about Luffy's experience in Impel Down he wasn't feeling tired in the slightest. He doubted he's get any sleep if he went to bed now. Looking at Luffy, however, he could see that he was itching to crawl into his bed and regain his lost sleep from the night before.

Luffy visibly brightened up at the suggestion, and eagerly accepted. So they both made their way up into the crow's nest. Usopp managed to prevent Luffy from raiding the kitchen, knowing that if he didn't Sanji would probably slaughter them both, and instead they spent some time talking about trivial things, all thought of Luffy's nightmare fading. Usopp told him stories of his time on the Boin Archipelago, some ridiculously exaggerated, others not exaggerated at all though still ludicrous, Luffy laughing wonderfully at all of them.

When the sky had darkened to blue so deep it was almost black, stars winking above them, and the silence between them had stretched for at least half an hour, Usopp turned from where he was looking out of the window at the quiet sea and found Luffy fast asleep beside him on the bench. His face was clear of any distress, and his chest rose and fell slowly with each breath. Usopp looked at him for a few seconds before grabbing a blanket and gently laying it over him. As he settled back in his seat by the window, he continued watching his sleeping captain, and thought about everything that Luffy had told him.

He knew it was stupid to be surprised, as it was obvious that Luffy would have had to witness and experience terrible things in his attempts to save Ace. Still, it was hard not to feel shocked at what he had learned tonight. That Luffy felt responsible not only for his brother's death but for Bon Clay's death as well was bad enough. Now Usopp had also learned that Luffy himself had spent time in a cell in Impel Down. He didn't want to think about how Luffy could have ended up in so bad a state as to end up imprisoned. And then there were the things he had left unsaid. They bothered Usopp as much as the things he had. It was clear at several points during their conversation that Luffy was going to say something but changed his mind, and that whatever these thoughts that he kept to himself were bothered him greatly.

But, Usopp thought wearily, they were questions for another night. Luffy had opened up to him tonight, more than he had with anyone else so far, and he wasn't going to push him any further until he was ready. Usopp briefly considered telling the others about what Luffy had told him, but knew right away that that was a bad idea. He wouldn't betray Luffy's trust like that, not when he was already so hesitant in sharing his experiences. Usopp just hoped that what he said had gotten through to Luffy, and eased his guilt even a little.

With these thoughts swirling in his head, Usopp got no sleep for the rest of the night. And when Sanji emerged from the men's quarters as dawn broke he shook Luffy awake gently, telling him with a grin that Sanji was making breakfast. Luffy made it to the kitchen in record time- any traces of sleep gone entirely- and Usopp followed him with a chuckle. As he entered the kitchen Sanji was already shouting at Luffy, and gave them both cups of tea to tide them over until breakfast was ready.

The others came to the kitchen much earlier than usual, obviously eager to see if things had been resolved between the captain and sharpshooter. They were greeted with the sight of the two sitting beside each other, Usopp with an arm slung companionably across Luffy's shoulders as they conversed happily, and everyone let out a collective sigh of relief. When breakfast commenced and Luffy focused his attention on his food, Usopp instinctively looked to Zoro. The swordsman looked back at him, smiled proudly and nodded, before starting on his breakfast (half of which had already been stolen by Luffy). He received similar looks of relief and gratitude from the rest of the crew throughout the meal, and as he got started on the washing up, Usopp smiled, savouring the feelings of love and accomplishment as Luffy's laughter echoed from the deck outside.


	2. Chopper

From the moment he laid eyes on his captain after their two years apart, Chopper was desperate to perform a full check-up. Luffy showed no signs of distress or pain, gave no indication of needing any kind of medical attention, nor did he have any fresh injuries. But that scar...

The scar was just about all he could focus on. Every time he turned to talk to Luffy he had to make a concious effort to look at his face and not his chest, and wondered if anyone else was having the same problem. He felt ashamed of himself for wishing that Luffy would just cover it up, because if it hurt Chopper this much just to look at it then he couldn't imagine how it must feel to Luffy, having to carry it with him every day, a reminder of the tragedy and loss he had experienced. Yet Luffy left it in plain sight of everyone, including himself. He wasn't hiding away from the pain, he faced it every day.

Chopper admired him for his strength. Chopper wished he could share that strength. Chopper also wished he didn't have to see the awful cross burned across his captain's chest every day.

Of course, the minute they descended below the waters and 'set sail' from Sabaody Chopper insisted that everyone come and see him for a check-up, starting with Luffy. Luffy smiled and agreed and hugged the blushing reindeer as they made their way to the infirmary (god, Chopper had missed his infirmary). Luffy could barely sit still during his examination, his happiness at being reunited with his nakama and his eagerness to finally spend time with them again nearly overwhelming him, but Chopper still managed to carry out all the usual procedures without any trouble. Luffy was, of course, perfectly fine. Everything was normal, there was nothing to worry about. Then Chopper reached his chest.

Both he and Luffy stilled slightly as he reached it. They had both known what was coming, but neither had wanted to acknowledge it. Chopper spared a quick glance at his captain's face- which was still practically shining with joy but had a slightly apprehensive look about it- before he hesitantly laid a hoof over the marred skin. Luffy's breath hitched slightly, whether because of the coolness of Chopper's little hoof or because of the contact itself Chopper couldn't be sure, but it had hitched nonetheless and he suddenly wished he had prepared himself more for this before starting.

"Does it bother you anymore?" He asked quietly, before realising how loaded that question really was. "H-hurt you, I mean?" Luffy gave him a small smile, sensing his unease.

"Nope, I'm fine." Chopper smiled back at him, but he could tell that Luffy wasn't being completely honest with him. He had known that Luffy wouldn't want to share too much about what had happened two years ago, at least not right away, and he didn't want to push him to talk about it until he was ready. Still, as the ship's doctor, Chopper had to know about anything and everything that could be harmful to his captain.

"Is there anything else that I should know about? Any other injuries? Even old ones?" At this, Luffy seemed to hesitate. It was as though he knew there was something he should say, but he was reluctant to do so. Something- some dark memory- flashed in his eyes for a split-second, before he seemed to make his decision, and shook his head.

"Nothing!" Chopper looked at his captain closely, and suddenly despair rushing through him as he wondered how terrible this thing was, that Luffy would lie to one of his nakama. But as much as he wanted to question his captain further, he could see that no amount of pushing was going to make Luffy open up to him about whatever else he had on his mind, at least not now.

"Alright then..." He conceded sadly. "But promise me you'll let me know if anything starts bothering you, okay? Even if it's just a little thing, it might be important. Promise me, Luffy." Luffy considered him quietly, his smile fading.

Chopper knew that he was thinking his response through, and he was filled with such a wave of regret that he thought he might cry. For two years, he had battled his feelings of guilt and despair at not being there when his captain needed him; at being too weak to stay by his captain's side; at leaving his captain, who had saved him and given him so much, alone. He had eventually realised that it wasn't truly his fault- they had all suffered an awful defeat on Sabaody Archipelago, Luffy included. Still, he knew that none of them would ever be rid of the feeling that had settled in each of their hearts the moment they laid eyes on that front page. Chopper knew that, like himself, the rest of them must have made the same promise to themselves that he had: _we will never fail him again_.

And yet here in front of Chopper Luffy sat, full of dark secrets and harboring a deep pain that the little doctor knew he would never be able to heal. He didn't even know how to get Luffy to talk to him about his injuries- old injuries, at that. When it came to medical examinations, Chopper knew what the crew was usually like. They all had different habits or preferences or fears. Sanji didn't like getting things like blood tests or x-rays done, Robin was always wary about answering personal questions, Franky always seemed slightly embarrassed, ashamed even, to have so little for Chopper to actually examine and treat- but no matter how reluctant they were everyone always cooperated. Others, however, like Usopp and Luffy himself, had always been completely open with Chopper, telling him everything he needed to know, and often more.

Which was why he knew that he wouldn't be able to get anything out of Luffy today, not when he was being so resolutely _un_ cooperative, so unlike his usual self. It was going to require a lot of thought on how to get Luffy comfortable enough to open up to Chopper- to all of them- about whatever had happened to him during the war.

But there was one thing Chopper could do to make a start.

"Promise me, Luffy. Please." Luffy's smile was gone now, replaced with a seriousness that Chopper had never seen before, and hoped he'd never see again. It told him his captain was making a decision he didn't like, but felt he had no choice in making.

"I promise, Chopper. Nothing's bothering me," Luffy tried smiling at him again. "And if something ever does, I know I don't need to worry because I have the best doctor in the world with me!"

Chopper gasped as he felt a fire rising from the tips of his toes to his cheeks. "Y-you-" He felt a familiar feeling take hold of him, and before he knew it he was dancing away. "You bastard~ That doesn't make me happy at all! Bastard~" Luffy laughed- a real 'shishishi'- and Chopper felt his happiness grow even more. He leapt into Luffy's lap where he was sitting on the infirmary chair and wrapped his little arms as far around his captain's waist as they would go, laughing along with him. He felt strong, familiar arms hug him back.

The two stayed like that for a few seconds more, both savouring each other's regained company, before a call from Sanji announced snacks were ready, reminding Luffy that he was hungry- as if he could _forget_ \- and Chopper that he had other crewmembers to examine- how could _he_ forget? They both disentangled from each other and burst through the door, sprinting to the deck. In the blink of an eye, Luffy had devoured both his and Zoro's snacks, and Chopper had pounced on Usopp, hanging on his shoulders and shouting in a playfully angry voice that it was his turn for a checkup.

All previous worry about Luffy's scar was forgotten about. For now.

* * *

It was a few days after they had left Fishman Island that Chopper was once again reminded of it. It was a warm day; Sunny was back above water, and the sun was beating down on the grassy deck- a perfect day for a water-fight, according to Luffy. Everyone was playing- even Robin and Nami had taken a break from their sunbathing and joined in. They had split into teams: Luffy, Zoro, Usopp and Robin against Chopper, Nami, Sanji, Franky and Brook.

As each team went to separate ends of the deck to 'plan their strategies', Frankie excitedly told their team about a new invention he had been working on that would apparently guarantee their victory, and Chopper could feel excitement swelling in him like a balloon. As Franky left them to fetch whatever it was from his workshop, Usopp apparently had a similar idea, as he too disappeared below decks. Seconds later the pair emerged, both holding something secretiveley. Franky grinned as he approached them, Chopper now bouncing with anticipation.

"I present to you all..." Franky closed his eyes dramatically before moving his arm to reveal- "The 'SUPER Water Mecha-Cannon'! SUPER!"

While Nami simply raised an eyebrow, Chopper could almost feel his eyes light up as he took in the glory of the machine in Franky's massive robotic hands... It really could only be described as 'super'. It was bigger than Chopper himself was in his Brain Point, painted metallic blues and greens, with three nozzles which Franky explained shot different projectiles of water: one was a jet just like a normal water gun, only more powerful, one had a wide range, letting out a spray like a sprinkler, and the final nozzle released a fine mist that Franky explained would blind their 'enemies'. Chopper wondered if this what being in love felt like.

As the 'battle' commenced, Usopp's mystery weapon was revealed to be a new kind of bomb he had developed: filling some strange new plant he had discovered with water he would then launch it at one of them, and upon contact it would sprout long, strong vines that wrapped themselves around them. Once attached to their victim, they would release the water they contained in a sharp jet- Sanji was unfortunate enough to receive one directly to his face, much to Zoro's amusement.

The fight went on for hours, all of them taking turns with these new strange creations or otherwise using their old waterguns and water balloons- which now seemed so small and weak. Eventually it came down to a show-off between the two masterminds themselves, the rest of the crew sitting a safe distance away, soaked and grinning. The two circled each other for a few seconds, Usopp looking ridiculously small with his strange pods hanging at his waist, and Franky outrageously massive with his cannon and the water tank he had attached to his back. They began.

It ended in five seconds, as Franky had forgotten to refill the tank on his back and- while the third nozzle on his gun shot only enough mist to blind himself- found his face on the receiving end of three sharp jets of water. He toppled backwards, his legs tangled in vines, spluttering up at the sky in shock as he struggled to process what had just happened. Silence reigned for a few seconds, before Luffy began giggling in that contagious way of his. Soon the whole deck rang with shrieks of laughter (Franky was laughing through his tears).

As they all struggled to regain their breaths, Sanji stumbling to the store room to get towels for everyone, Chopper looked over at his wheezing captain and found the laughter dying in his throat. Luffy was still chuckling away, animatedly re-enacting the scene to Usopp, who had tears running down his face. He didn't think Luffy even noticed he was doing it, but Chopper certainly did.

"Luffy!" The sharpness in his voice caught everyone's attention, and they all turned to look at him questioningly, their laughter dying down. He forced himself not to scowl or start shouting as he continued. "Don't scratch it, you'll irritate the skin." The rest of the crew, having noticed their captain's actions as soon as Chopper pointed them out, shifted uncomfortably. Luffy blinked at the reindeer confusedly for a moment before, with a small grunt of surprise, slowly stopped dragging his nails across the scar on his chest, allowing his hand to fall limply on his legs. The deck was once again silent.

Chopper sighed and glanced around at his crewmates, only to find them all watching him expectantly. He met Robin's eyes, and she gave him a small, encouraging smile. He took a deep breath and firmly reminded himself that he had been preparing for this.

"Luffy," his captain looked up at him, seeming slightly embarrassed. "Come with me to the infirmary, I can make some cream that will stop the itching." Luffy furrowed his brows slightly, the awkward expression still on his face (an extremely unsettling sight as Luffy rarely got embarrassed over anything), and glanced nervously at the others, who hadn't moved since Chopper's exclamation. Hurriedly, Sanji announced he was going to make a start on dinner, and he rushed into the kitchen with the towels still in his arms, Brook following him. Usopp said he was going to change his clothes. Nami and Franky loudly congratulated Usopp on his brilliant idea, Robin smiling behind her hand as she retreated to her own room in search of something dry. Zoro appeared to already be asleep, leaning against the bottom of the stairs. Which left Chopper with Luffy.

"Come on, Luffy," Chopper tried not to sound like he was talking to a child, but it was difficult not to when his captain had that awful look on his face. "It's normal. It was probably just because of the water drying in the he-"

"It's fine, Chopper. You don't need to worry about it." Luffy was getting to his feet. Chopper scrambled up after him.

"It's not fine if it's bothering you Luffy! You promised you'd come to me if there was something wrong!"

"I did promise that, but there's nothing bothering me," Luffy was speaking quietly, as though he didn't want the others to hear him. "It was just a little itchy. It's fine now!"

"Luffy-"

"Chopper-"

" _How_ am I supposed to become the best doctor in the world if you won't let me help you?" He knew it was a low blow- Luffy would never want to stand in the way of any of his nakama's dreams- but it seemed to work. He stared at the tiny doctor, his eyes clearly showing his struggle, and Chopper stared back at him, a frown on his face and a no-room-for-argument look in his eyes. Luffy looked like he wanted to follow Usopp, or go pester Sanji for food, or do anything except what he found himself doing- which was nodding his head sullenly and following his relieved doctor to the infirmary.

As they passed Zoro, Chopper could have sworn the supposedly sleeping swordsman nodded slightly at him. Whether it was his imagination or not, Chopper took strength from it. As he instructed Luffy to take a seat, he sorted through the different powders and oils and herbs he had collected in the Torino Kingdom, and got to work. He had learned a lot over the past two years- making a cream to stop an itch was simple enough. Still, he spent just under ten minutes ensuring it was going to be perfect for Luffy, and that they would have enough for future use.

When he turned to his captain with the finished concoction, Chopper found him sitting with his chin resting upon his arms, which he had laid across the back of the infirmary chair, his hat on his head and a glazed-over look in his eyes. He was clearly thinking about something else- something Chopper wished he wouldn't.

"Luffy, it's ready!" Luffy started slightly, before plastering a smile across his face that didn't quite reach his eyes. He turned the right way round on the chair and leaned back to allow Chopper to apply the soothing cream.

"Feels nice." Chopper grinned up at him, blushing slightly at the praise.

"I have more of it too, so if it ever itches again you need to _tell me_ and I can apply it again, okay?" He moved his head to catch Luffy's averted eyes. " _Okay_ , Luffy? You did promise."

"I know. I'm sorry, Chopper. I just don't want you all to worry about it." He smiled sadly and raised a hand to scratch Chopper's ears playfully. Chopper nearly closed his eyes in enjoyment, but still needed to say one more thing before he let Luffy leave.

"No matter what, we'll always worry about you, Luffy. Just like you always worry about us. You're our nakama too. We don't like it when you're hurting." He looked at Luffy intently, ensuring that his friend understood. When he saw something light up in Luffy's eyes at his words, he knew that he'd done all he could for now. He hopped onto Luffy's lap and carefully hugged him, making sure not to rub any of the cream off in the process. Luffy returned the hug warmly, before jumping up and bounding away to the kitchen, calling on Zoro to follow him.

As Chopper followed Luffy and Zoro towards the enticing smell of dinner he passed Robin coming up the stairs, dressed in a dry pair of jeans and a t-shirt. She smiled at him as their captain's loud singing echoed from the kitchen, ringing over Brook's violin and Sanji's irritated shouting.

"Well, doctor, looks like you've done a fine job." Chopper beamed at the praise and reached up to take Robin's hand as they both made their way towards the cacophany.

"I hope so." He whispered, more to himself than as a response.

* * *

Of course, Chopper should have known that getting Luffy to do something, something that the rubber boy ultimately did _not_ want to do, would never be so easy. He hoped against hope that the promise Luffy had made to him would perhaps prompt him to open up more with all of them, and maybe share a bit about what had happened two years ago so that he didn't have to continue carrying his burden alone. But while Luffy did come back to Chopper a few days after their water-fight to ask, in a poor attempt at a nonchalant voice, if he could have more of that 'cold creamy stuff', he remained stubbornly silent about anything else that may have been bothering him.

Of course, Chopper was aware of the chance that there really _wasn't_ anything else wrong with Luffy, and that he was just being paranoid. But he was also very aware that there were things Luffy was hiding. Things that kept him awake some nights, and haunted him with nightmares during others. He had heard Luffy gasp awake in the early hours of the morning, heard his ragged breathing as he forced himself to calm down, waited, sometimes hours, for his breathing to slow and even out in sleep again. He had seen Luffy sitting at his special seat before, his shoulders hunched almost defensively, his face hidden, a hand pressed over the scar, fighting to bury the memories that he wouldn't share.

It was on the day that they left Punk Hazard that Chopper was again faced with his captain's reluctance to share his pain with them.

Torao was positioned by the railing, sword leaning against his shoulder, eyes closed, his posture giving a disapproving and impatient air. Caesar was tied to the railings, hanging silently, having ceased his screeched protests after realising that he was being ignored by everyone.

The rest of the crew were at their tyical positions on the ship. They were all savouring the familiar, but no less comforting, feeling of relief that they had all made it off yet another crazy island alive. Zoro was supposedly napping in the shade of Nami's tangerine trees, but Chopper suspected he was really awake and listening to the activity around him, reassuring himself. Nami and Robin were in their typical seats on the deck, smiling and chatting about something quietly. Franky had disappeared into his workshop, saying that he needed to perform some maintenance on himself. Sanji was in the kitchen making a start on dinner, and Brook was with him, softly playing Bink's Sake- the soothing tune drifted out from behind the closed galley door, filling Chopper with feelings of happiness and safety as he and Luffy listened to Usopp's account of how he- apparently single-handedly- had defeated hundreds Caesar's subordinates before managing to capture the scientist himself.

Chopper and Luffy were captivated by the sharpshooter, laughing gleefully and gasping dramatically at all the right moments. Usopp himself was so caught up in telling his story that he didn't notice when Luffy emitted a small, almost imperceptible gasp- one that clearly wasn't in response to the story. But with his enhanced hearing and almost radar-like ability to perceive others' pain, Chopper did notice, and was immediately alert. Luffy was clearly regretting his slip of control, as he cast a wary glance over at the doctor before putting his grin, which looked slightly stiff and forced, back in place. Chopper frowned slightly, hating how he was starting to feel familiar with Luffy's secret-keeping. He kept a careful eye on Luffy as they continued listening to the oblivious Usopp's tale- Luffy trying to pretend that there was nothing wrong, but gradually failing.

As Chopper watched, Luffy seemed to deteriorate before his eyes: his laugh was becoming quieter and more forced, his grin fading to a smile; a light sheen of sweat started to shine on his forehead, which was creased in a slight frown; his eyes had taken on a glassy and almost unfocused look. After he failed to hide an outright wince and had to bite his lip through... whatever was happening, Chopper decided that if his captain didn't say something, then he would.

"And then-"

"Sorry, Usopp," he cut through Usopp's loud storytelling voice as smoothly as a knife cutting through butter, his voice sharp and all-business. The sharpshooter and captain both turned to him questioningly, and from the corner of his eyes he could see the girls' heads turn to him as their noisy activity came to an abrupt halt. Chopper forced himself to remain undaunted.

"Luffy," he tried not to let his anger show as his captain sluggishly turned his confused gaze to meet his own accusatory one. "I just remembered, I missed something in your check-up. Can you come with me back to the infirmary for a few minutes?"

Luffy looked ready to protest- as Chopper had suspected he would- but quailed upon seeing the growing fury in his doctor's eyes. He groaned dramatically and stood up rather unsteadily. He then turned to Usopp with a pleading look in his eyes.

"Usopp, can you finish your story at dinner?" Usopp glanced quickly between the two, finally taking note of Luffy's trembling hands and sickly pallor, before flashing a wide grin.

"Of course! I'm always ready if ever you want to hear more tales of the infamous Captain Usopp~" Luffy laughed before moving towards the infirmary. As Chopper turned to follow him he caught Usopp's eyes and nodded, promising to take of it. He quickly followed Luffy, returning Robin's soft smile as he passed her.

When he got to the infirmary, Luffy was already sitting on the bed, and was rubbing his forehead almost sub-conciously. "Luffy, what's wrong?" Chopper crossed the room and jumped onto the bed by captain's side. "What's happening? Where does it hurt?" Luffy opened his mouth to reply but instead squeezed his eyes shut, gritting his teeth as his whole body began to tremble. Chopper grabbed his shoulder, "Luffy!"

Luffy took a breath and held it for a few seconds, Chopper could feel his trembling under his hooves. Upon releasing his breath Luffy looked up at the worried doctor with pain-filled eyes.

"H-Headache..." Was all he got out before another wave of pain assaulted him and he almost doubled over, cradling his head in agony. Chopper stood for a few moments, dumbfounded. A migraine? _That's_ what was making Luffy react like this? Luffy, who laughed off horrific wounds after bloody battles, who, if he had been a normal human, would by now have acquired a litany of terrible scars- hell, if he was a normal human he would be dead by now- _that_ Luffy was now trembling and groaning in pain in front of him because of a _migraine_? He quickly snapped himself out of his momentary daze as Luffy let out another moan, his shaking fingers cleching in his hair. Chopper pulled them away and guided Luffy into a lying position on the bed.

"L-Luffy, I need you to calm down, okay?" Chopper took one of Luffy's hands, fighting not to wince when it squeezed his little hoof hard in return. "Luffy, take some deep breaths, okay? Slow your breathing down, that's it." Chopper continued talking to Luffy reassuringly, holiding his hand and gently running his other hoof through Luffy's sweaty hair, until Luffy eventually slowed his breathing enough to speak- albeit shakily.

"S-Sorry, Chopper..." He tried to open his eyes but hastily shut them again, wincing at the light. "It's f-fine, I'll be fine- I'll just sleep it off..." If his captain hadn't already been in agonising pain Chopper was sure he would have hit him hard enough to send him through the wall into the galley.

" _Don't be an idiot_!" He said, in a harsh voice neither of them had known he was capable of. "You're not fine. This _isn't fine_. I _told_ you to come to me if there was anything else bothering you. You _promised_ me, Luffy! Don't tell me you're fine-" He was cut off when he felt Luffy's hand brush against his cheek. Having been so caught up in his furious rant he hadn't even realised he'd let go of it, or that his voice had risen to a shout, or that he'd closed his eyes and started crying. He rubbed his eyes furiously with a trembling arm, Luffy's hand resting upon his head, then turned his gaze back to his captain.

"You're not fine. And if you say you are, then- then- then _I_ won't be fine. Do you want that?" Luffy looked stricken at this.

"O-Of course not, but-"

"No! No 'but's, Luffy. You come to me when there's something wrong, like you promised. And I'll fix it, like _I_ promised. That's what I'm here for! That's why I'm this crew's doctor. Your doctor! So just tell me!" Chopper stopped, breathing heavily, and glared fiercely at his captain.

"U-um," Luffy looked pale. "Ch-Chopper, I-"

"What?"

"I- I'm going to be sick..." They looked at each other, before Chopper realised what he had said and gasped, springing into action. Just as Luffy's body gave a lurch he grabbed a basin from under his desk and held it below his captain's head. He rubbed circles on Luffy's back as he retched, his anger ebbing away and concern taking its place. After a few minutes, when Luffy began dry-heaving and they both realised nothing else would be coming up, Chopper eased Luffy back onto the bed before quickly running out and depositing the contents of the basin over the side of the ship. When he came back in, he rinsed it out and turned again to his captain.

Luffy had his hands at his head again, but he was no longer as frantic as he was before. Instead, his lips were drawn into a thin line, his eyes were firmly shut and his hands were rubbing circles onto his forehead. He no longer looked like he was in pain- though Chopper knew he was, this kind of headache could last hours- but instead looked as if he were concentrating very hard on doing something, something he knew how to do but just couldn't quite manage. Chopper didn't like to think about what that meant.

"Luffy," Luffy looked at Chopper, his eyes bloodshot and weary, but now entirely focused on Chopper's teary ones. "I know that you're in a lot of pain right now, so I'm not going to ask you for answers yet. But when you're feeling better, you _are_ going to tell me about this. I know you know why this is happening. I _know_ you do." Luffy opened and closed his mouth a few times, before giving a small nod. Chopper sagged with relief. "Good. Now, I'm not sure how you u-usually deal with these, but if I tried to give you something for the pain now it wouldn't have much effect. So I need you to stay in here, okay? I'm going to turn off the lights, and I want you to sleep it off, like you said. Okay?"

"Okay... Sorry, Chopper." Chopper shook his head and removed Luffy's sandals before pulling a blanket over him. He carefully untied the string of Luffy's hat and set it on the chair beside the bed. He walked to the door, casting one more glance over his shoulder at his captain, before turning off the light and leaving the infirmary.

He stood for a few minutes outside the door, staring at his hoof resting on the handle. He couldn't process what had just happened. It seemed that in the space of twenty minutes Chopper had met an entirely new version of his captain, one that he never wanted to meet again. He would even have felt better if Luffy had faught against him a little bit more, instead of conceding almost instantly. Whether this lack of resistance was because of Chopper's words or because of the pain Chopper couldn't be sure, but it still unsettled him greatly. He turned from the infirmary and made his way towards the unnaturally silent deck. But upon reaching it he noticed that it was empty of its usual occupants, leaving only Torao and Caesar, both in the same positions they had been in before.

Chopper turned instead to where he was sure the rest of the crew would be. As he entered the galley, seven heads turned to him from the long table. No one spoke as Chopper approached the table and took his usual seat next to Usopp, nodding in thanks when Sanji slid a steaming cup of hot chocolate across the table to him.

It was Franky who spoke first, "I-Is he alright?" Chopper nodded slowly.

"He's asleep, so stay quiet." Franky nodded, though he was clearly not comforted at all by this response.

"What the hell happened?" Sanji asked. "He was fine, before. Then we heard shouting through the door..." He stopped talking as Chopper shook his head. The little doctor looked at them all, knowing that he'd only be able to share so much.

"He had a headache, a bad one. And, from the look of things, he's had them before."

"A headache?" Nami ased incredulously. "Luffy- _our_ Luffy- is like this because of a _headache_?"

"Yeah. But it's not just a small headache, it's a migraine. They're much worse, and they last longer. If I had acted a bit sooner I could have given him something for it, but since I left it so late he can only sleep it off..." He frowned, an all-too-familiar guilt rising in him at the thought that he had failed to stop his captain's suffering, again.

"Hey, don't blame yourself!" Usopp laid a hand on his shoulder. "You noticed it during my story, right? I didn't even pick up on it, and Luffy was clearly not planning on saying anything. You still helped him, Chopper." He gave his shoulder a squeeze, and Chopper gave a loud sniff before lifting his hot chocolate and taking a large gulp.

"It's delicious, Sanji..." Sanji smiled gently at him. They fell into a contemplative silence, casting worried glances at the door to the infirmary, until Brook said, "Did Luffy-san share with you the reason for his headache? Surely he must know." Chopper shook his head.

"No, it's best for him to get some rest for now. But I'm going to ask him about it when he wakes up."

Robin frowned slightly, "Do you think he'll tell you?" Chopper looked down at the table, wanting to say 'yes' but knowing that doing so would not be honest. He wondered if Luffy would still be as cooperative when he was no longer in agony. Nami laid a hand on the table.

"And you'll tell us, right? Whatever it is he says, truth or lie, we should know about it, right? I mean, we can't just let this kind of thing happen to him without knowing why." Chopper bit his lip, conflicted. He had known that they would ask him to share whatever Luffy was going to tell him, and he knew that he would be sorely tempted to do so. But he also knew that getting him to talk about the war- which Chopper felt sure was the cause of this- was asking a lot of Luffy, and he didn't want to betray his captain's trust.

"I can't."

Nami bristled, "Can't or won't?"

" _Can't_. I can't tell you something that's private to Luffy, not unless _he_ wants me to. I can't do it." Chopper glared at Nami, who looked ready to argue against him, but it was at that moment that Zoro, who had been listening with closed eyes and a small frown until then, spoke.

"Don't, Nami. Chopper's right," everyone turned to look at him. "Luffy will come to us when he's ready to talk about it. If he needs to do it slowly, with one of us at a time, then so be it. Who are we to tell him how to deal with his grief?" They all looked down guiltily at that, understanding the meaning behind Zoro's words. They had no right to force Luffy into telling them anything, not when they had failed to be there for him when he needed them. Instead, all they could do was be there for him now. Chopper nodded, more to himself than to Zoro's words, and finished his hot chocolate.

* * *

Luffy slept for hours. He slept through dinner, which alarmed everyone- much to the confusion of their guests- until Chopper explained that it was good he was getting some rest. Sanji set a plate large enough for three aside for him, his complaints about how the food wouldn't taste as good later barely masking his concern. After the oddly quiet meal Chopper went to check on his captain.

He pushed the door to the infirmary open gently, and put his head in to see if Luffy was awake yet. He wasn't. Instead he was curled into a loose ball under the blanket, the frown on his face much less pronounced and his body no longer shaking or sweating. Chopper smiled briefly in relief before edging into the room and closing the door quietly behind him. He took a candle from one of his drawers and lit it on his desk, climbing onto his swivel chair. As quietly as he could, he opened his notebook and began writing all that he could remember ever reading about migraines- their causes and symptoms, and how to deal with them.

A half hour passed before Luffy finally stirred. Chopper nearly dropped his pencil in surprise when he heard a low moan behind him, and sent his chair spinning in his haste to turn around. By the time he steadied it Luffy was already sitting up in the bed and was looking at him with an amused gleam in his eyes.

"L-Luffy," his head was still spinning. "How do you feel? Is the pain gone now? Are you feeling nauseous? Is your vision-"

"Chopper! I'm fine now!" Chopper looked closely at him, at his relaxed posture, his easy smile, his still sleepy but otherwise clear eyes- and let out a short sigh.

"Well, okay, but you'd better not be lying to me!" Luffy shook his head from side to side, in such an exaggerated way that Chopper laughed.

"Nope! See," Luffy continued shaking his head. "I'm feeling much better now! Sorry for worrying you," he was interrupted by a growl, that was even louder than him, resonating from his stomach. "Ahh~ I'm hungry..." He climbed out of the bed and made for the kitchen. He had just reached the door when Chopper remembered-

"Ah- wait, Luffy! You can't leave yet! You said you'd tell me why you got your headache!" Luffy stopped and turned slowly to face Chopper, a ridiculously childish pout playing across his face. Chopper knew what he was wanting, but he couldn't allow it- they needed to have this talk _now_. "Sit down on the bed, Luffy. Sanji put aside some dinner for you, it'll still be there afterwards."

"I _slept_ through _dinner_?" Chopper almost laughed at the outright horror on Luffy's face.

"Yes, you did," he settled himself in the swivel chair and turned it so that he was facing Luffy. "Now, please tell me."

Luffy wasn't smiling, but he wasn't wearing the closed-off expression Chopper was expecting, either. Instead he looked like he was preparing himself, for something that was sure to be unpleasant but that had to be done. He took a deep breath before he started speaking in a quiet voice.

"When I was in Impel Down two years ago, I ran into Blackbeard," Chopper shivered at the name. "He ate a weird Devil Fruit. I can't really remember what he said it was, but whenever he fought me he managed to take my ability away." Chopper frowned.

"Like kairouseki?" Luffy shook his head.

"Not really. It didn't make me feel weak or anything, I just... wasn't rubber anymore." Luffy looked at Chopper when he said this, as though hoping he would be able to explain this strange ability. But Chopper felt just as confused as Luffy looked, and they were both silent for a few moments. Then Luffy continued, "Anyway, when I attacked him he used his ability on me and smashed my head onto the floor. It hurt a lot, and it was bleeding, but I didn't really care about it at the time. It was only when I got a headache afterwards on Amazon Lily that I realised it actually did some proper damage. I don't get headaches often, but when I do they're pretty bad. I usually just sleep them off." Chopper frowned.

"Head trauma," he hesitated. "Can I, uh, have a look?" Luffy looked at him questioningly. "At your head, I mean."

"Oh, yeah sure." Luffy bent his head as Chopper jumped lightly into his lap and began gently running his hooves through his hair. Luffy was silent as Chopper found what he was looking for- it was thin, slightly curved, and it stood out starkly against Luffy's black hair. It was a fairly small scar, though Chopper supposed that if Luffy hadn't regained his rubber abilities after the attack it would have been much bigger. He examined it for a few minutes, prodding it, asking Luffy if it hurt when he touched it, how often he got his headaches. Luffy explained that in the first few months after the war his headaches were fairly regular, but as time went on he experienced them less and less. Chopper nodded in relief as Luffy explained this, knowing that his captain's migraines may never stop, but they would at least happen very occasionally and Chopper would always be there to help with them.

"Alright then, Luffy. But next time you feel a headache coming on, even if it's just a small one, come to me and I can stop it."

"Okay Chopper..."

Chopper considered asking more about Luffy's encounter with Blackbeard, but decided that it was a conversation for another time.

"You can go eat now. Sanji's probably still in the kitchen, he can warm up your dinner for you-"

"A-Actually," Luffy interrupted him hesitantly, and Chopper looked at him in surprise, "there's something else. That- that I want to tell you about."

Chopper's heart began pounding as he realised that Luffy was finally, _finally_ opening up to him. "O-Okay." He moved off Luffy's lap onto the bed next to him, and looked at him attentively. Luffy was biting his lip, looking more conflicted than Chopper had ever seen him.

"L-Listen, before I tell you, I really need you to promise that you won't tell _anyone_ else," Luffy looked at him imploringly. "Please Chopper. I-I'll tell them when I'm ready to, I swear." Chopper felt a pool of apprehension growing in his stomach, and nodded solemnly.

"I promise, Luffy. Whatever you tell me as your doctor is confidential." Luffy nodded, satisfied.

"Okay then. Well, you know that I'm immune to poison now, right?" Chopper nodded, his heart nearly beating out of his chest. "Well, it's because of when I was in Impel Down. The warden there, his name was Magellan. He had this poison ability, like Caesar's, but more than just gas. He could turn his entire body into poison, and he could make different kinds of poisons. When I reached Level Four, he got in my way. There was no way for me to get past him without fighting him. I really didn't have a choice- so we fought. Whenever I touched his body, though, it turned into poison, and I got covered in it. It- it felt like my skin was melting, it was horrible. And he made this gas and when I breathed it in I couldn't see properly or, or breathe properly or anything."

"L-Luffy," Chopper's concern was growing as Luffy began talking faster, "you don't have to remember all of this if you don't want to." Luffy shook his head, taking deep breaths to calm himself down.

"No, I have to," he closed his eyes and continued. "We fought each other, and I lost. He said that I was covered in enough poison to kill me. I would have- no, I _should_ have died, but Bon Clay," Chopper gasped at the name, but said nothing, "took me to Iva-chan. And Iva-chan, he used these- these hormones, to heal me."

"Hormones?"

"Yeah, he injected them into me and my body... healed itself."

"B-But-" Chopper's mind was racing, "but he would have had to give you- it would have taken more than just _hormones_ to heal you from so much poison! There's no way it could just-"

"It, uh, came with a price." Chopper's head snapped up, his eyes locked on Luffy's downturned face.

"P-Price? What kind of price?" Luffy looked at him for a long moment.

"Ten years," he looked straight into Chopper's eyes as he spoke, "it took ten years from my lifespan."

Chopper sat silently, staring back at his captain, hearing what he had said and repeating it back to himself in his mind, trying to understand. His chest felt tight as he began to realise the implications of this- Luffy's Gears already shortened his lifespan, and he used them at an alarming rate. Along with this further _ten years_ \- who knew how long Luffy had? With a shudder, Chopper realised that Luffy probably wasn't going to live past his fifties, assuming he didn't get himself killed in any battles before then. Ten years. _Ten years_ had been torn away from their time with their captain, with Luffy.

Chopper had been so caught up in his racing thoughts that he didn't notice Luffy had lifted him onto his lap until he felt his arms wrapping around him, and he turned and buried his face into Luffy's scarred chest, sobbing.

"L-Luffy," he whispered. "Luffy, Luffy..." Luffy's arms tightened around him.

"It's okay, Chopper. I'm okay now."

"No, it's not okay. It's- I should've been there! We should've _been_ there! We should've been with you instead of-"

" _No_." Chopper jumped slightly at the vehemence in his captain's voice. Luffy looked down at him sternly, "Don't think like that. You guys have nothing to do with it, and I'm- I'm glad that you weren't there." He admitted the last part quietly, but Chopper still felt shaken by it.

"You'e... glad?"

"If- if you guys had been there, with me, then you would have been killed. It's only because of Iva-chan and Jinbei and Ace's friends that _I_ wasn't killed."

"But-"

"I hated being away from you guys, and I'm sorry that I couldn't stop you all from disappearing. But if you had been with me when I went to save Ace, I wouldn't have been able to protect you, and I would have lost far more than my brother. So I'm really, _really_ glad that you guys weren't with me." After he had finished, he rested his chin on Chopper's hat, the little reindeer leaning against his chest, and they were both silent for a few minutes.

Chopper knew that Luffy was right. If they had all gone to Impel Down, they would have been destroyed. Maybe Zoro and Sanji and Robin could have stood a chance, but Chopper himself would have been nothing more than a burden. Back then, he wouldn't have even been able to make a cure for the poison. Still, he couldn't rid himself of the guilt he'd been feeling for the past two years no matter how much he tried to convince himself it wasn't his fault.

"Luffy, even though you're glad we weren't there, and even though we wouldn't have been able to help much if we had been, I still wish that we _had_ been there. Because now you're having to carry all of these horrible memories by yourself. And you had to see so many terrible things, and you fought so hard, and-" He stopped, but Luffy didn't say anything. Chopper began fiddling with one of the golden buttons on his shirt. "We weren't there for you back then, and I'll never forgive myself for that. But we're here _now_ , Luffy. We're here now and we want to help you. Because you're our nakama and you've helped us so much and we want to do the same for you. So please, rely on us."

Chopper pulled away and looked up at his captain. Luffy's eyes were closed, and his mouth was drawn into a thin line. For a second Chopper was afraid he had fallen asleep- because it was just like Luffy to fall asleep during important conversations like this- then Luffy slowly opened his eyes and smiled widely at him, and Chopper knew he had heard, and understood, everything.

"Thank you, Chopper." Chopper had expected him to say more, to maybe protest against Chopper's guilt or say that he couldn't share any of these things with them, because they were his own nightmares to bear. But in those three words, Chopper could feel Luffy's relief, and gratitude, and _love_ , and he knew that Luffy was going to be fine. He would never heal from the horrors and tragedies of two years ago, not completely, and there was always going to be a darkness haunting him. But Chopper could tell that Luffy was beginning to realise what they had all been struggling to tell him: that they were there for him now, even though they hadn't been back then. They were going to help him whenever he needed them, no matter what, because they were his nakama, and he was their's. And that was all that mattered.

After a few minutes more, Chopper dried his eyes and Luffy retrieved his hat from where Chopper had left it on the chair, and the two made their way into the galley. As Chopper had predicted, Sanji was still in the kitchen. Seated at the table planning the meals for the next day, he looked up sharply at the sound of the infirmary door opening, and grinned at the sight of his captain. Before Luffy even managed to shout his typical "Sanji! Food!", the cook was by the counter quickly heating up Luffy's plate. Luffy laughed as he and Chopper sat by the table, humming Bink's Sake, and inhaled almost half his plate the instant it was laid in front of him.

Chopper looked at him with a fond but sad smile on his face, what he had learned still swirling in his mind. But when Sanji laid another cup of hot chocolate in front of him, laden with whipped-cream and marshmallows, he couldn't help but feel pride rising up within him. He responded to Sanji's wink with a wide grin, and happily got started on his hot chocolate before his captain stole it.


	3. Robin

Robin smiled at her captain as he took her hand in his and swung their joined arms in wide arcs between them. He was almost skipping with excitement- they had been on the ship for almost three weeks straight, not an island in sight, when they suddenly and gratefully came across this small stretch of land. Sanji had looked ready to weep with relief. He had hidden it well, but most of them had picked up on his anxiety as more time went on and their food supply dwindled. Nami even allocated him a slightly larger amount of money for supplies before the four of them set off for the market.

However, when they walked into the small market in the centre of the town, they were met with thinly veiled hostility. Not very surprising, given that they are _pirates_. Robin felt sure that given a mere thirty seconds with Luffy their cutting glares would soften- they always do. But even as Luffy exuberantly bounded from stall to stall, dragging a half-heartedly irritated Sanji along with him, Robin observed that, if anything, the glares were only intensifying.

She turned as a hand softly came to rest on her elbow. Nami leaned in and said in a low voice, "I don't like the feeling of this place..."

Robin said nothing, only nodded in agreement. They were often treated suspiciously when arriving in a new place, but Luffy's irresistable charm usually won most people over fairly quickly. It was becoming increasingly clear that this wasn't going to be the case here. These people clearly had a deep-rooted hatred for pirates.

She looked again at her captain, who was all but dangling off of Sanji's shoulder as he begged the cook to buy some of the smoky, sizzling meat from the stall in front of them. Sanji muttered a few terse words at him before rolling his eyes and grudginly digging in his pocket to hand Luffy a couple of coins- Robin smiled softly, knowing full well that it was Sanji's own money, as he would never waste their food budget on a simple snack. Her smile faded slightly as Sanji caught her eye, and the tense set of his jaw told her that he too had picked up on the heavy atmosphere around them. She nodded slightly and indicated to Nami that they follow the boys- better to be together if something does go amiss.

As they approached, they began to pick up on the ongoing conversation between Luffy and the meat-seller.

"Come on, ossan," Luffy was moaning. "Just give me a bit of meat! As much as I can buy with this!" He thrust the money towards the man as though it were an offering to a god, but still the man refused, instead curling his lip and glaring at him with such intense _loathing_ that even Luffy picked up on it.

"I said _no_. I ain't doing business with the likes of _you_. Pirate scum."

And he spat in Luffy's face.

Robin felt a murderous intent she hadn't felt in years, and Sanji was upon him in seconds.

" _How dare you-_ " He raged as he ground the man's head into the ground under a polished heel. Robin became aware of the growing crowd around them, the villagers muttering to each other nervously and angrily as Sanji's voice rang throughout the square. "You _fucking piece of shit_. Do you even know _who he is?_ " The man turned his head as much as he could and spat again, blood spraying the ground. He aimed his glare at Sanji.

"He's a _pirate_. What else is there to know? Scum like him don't get served here-"

"' _Scum_ '?" Nami surged forward, her eyes blazing. "You have no right to call Luffy- of _all people_ \- scum. He's done things that you couldn't even dream of- _great things_ -"

"Nami, Sanji," Luffy spoke quietly, but it was enough for complete silence to fall across the whole square. Sanji didn't lift his foot, but lifted rage-filled eyes to focus on their captain. "Stop. We'll get food somewhere else. Let's go." And he turned and walked away, the crowd parting to let him pass.

Nami opened her mouth to protest, but Robin placed a hand on her shoulder and shook her head slowly. The tension leaked out of her shoulders slowly, and her eyes filled with angry tears. She let a short, sharp breath out of her nose, and turned to the meat-seller.

"You're wrong," was all she said before turning on her heel and jogging to catch up to their captain. Robin and Sanji watched as she picked up his hat from where it was slung around his neck and placed it firmly on his head before tucking her arm through his. Robin turned to the cook, who was yet to move from where he held the other man.

"Sanji, you heard Luffy. Captain's orders," Sanji looked at her with fury in his eyes, radiating from his entire being. "We'll manage with the food we have. I know you'll be able to make it work until we find a more accommodating island." She held his gaze until he shoved off the man angrily. He said not a word as he rummaged for a cigarette in his pocket, trying several times to light it before giving up and stalking away. Robin turned as well, and looked at the people around her.

"You're wrong," she directed Nami's words at all of them, and didn't bother waiting for a response before she, too, began walking back to the ship.

* * *

 

Dinner that evening was... unpleasant. Everyone was tense, and everyone was silent. The food was as delicious as ever, though there was quite a bit less than usual. No one complained, not even Luffy. Once the meal was finished, Luffy returned immediately to his spot at Sunny's head, where he had perched after returning from the market. After the four of them had returned it was clear enough that something had happened, something bad, that the rest of the crew picked up on it immediately. Sanji had marched straight to the galley and hadn't emerged since. Usopp had followed him not long after, and it was he that had called them for dinner a few hours later, a tightness in his voice betraying his knowledge of the day's events.

Nami had filled in Zoro and Franky. Franky had stormed off to tinker with something or other- Robin knew this was how he collected himself, and left him to it. Zoro hadn't said anything, only sat back and watched Luffy where he sat silently.

Robin herself had spoken to Brook and Chopper. The little reindeer had climbed into her lap timidly after watching Sanji storm into the kitchen, and she had accepted his company gratefully. Brook perched carefully on the edge of the chair next to her, and the three of them sat silently observing their scattered nakama for a few moments before Brook broke the silence.

"It seems your trip to the market was somewhat unsuccessful," he said in a lightly teasing tone. Robin smiled at him.

"Yes. The people there were rather unwelcoming. Especially towards Luffy." Chopper gasped and twisted in her arms to look at her with wide eyes.

"They didn't like _Luffy_ _?_ How could- how could anyone _not like_ Luffy? He- he's _Luffy!_ " Robin and Brook laughed softly at the reindeer's innocence, and Robin stroked his cheek gently as she replied in an equally gentle voice.

"Well, some people just don't understand how wonderful he is, I suppose."

"Yohoho, it's their loss, no?" Chopper looked at the two of them with those wide, curious eyes and nodded slowly, his face becoming unhappy.

"Like the other reindeers- they didn't like me because of my blue nose- and then my devil fruit..." Robin hugged him closer to her chest. "But what did they- do? To Luffy? I-I've never seen Sanji so _angry_ before..." Robin curled her fingers into the soft fur beneath her hands as her anger flared at the memory. She spoke frankly to the two of them.

"They refused to sell us food, because we're pirates. And when Luffy tried to buy some meat, the man called him 'scum' and he... the man spat at him." Robin felt Chopper stiffen in the circle of her arms, and saw Brook do the same out of the corner of her eye. They fell silent again under the weight of her words, the sheer _wrongness_ of them. To disrespect Luffy in such a way- it was unforgivable. And though Robin understood and admired Luffy's decision not to fight, not to react in any way, she couldn't deny the large part of her that was aching to go back there and break some necks.

"Luffy told you not to fight, didn't he?" Brook asked quietly. "Sanji wouldn't have been quite so tense if he had gotten to kick some heads in."

"Yes. He stopped us from attacking them, said we'd find supplies elsewhere." Chopper sniffed loudly, and began to tremble slightly.

"L-Luffy- he's-" he sniffed again and turned to look at the two of them with fierce, teary eyes. "He's _amazing_. He's not scum or anything like that. He's good and kind and funny and strong. And he's going to be _King of the Pirates_. So that man was wrong. And one day we'll go back there and show him that."

Robin smiled widely and cupped his cheek, then opened her arms to let the little doctor climb off her lap and run over to climb into Luffy's instead. Their captain looked surprised at the sudden company before wrapping his arms around Chopper and laughing brightly, if not quite as loudly as usual. Robin met Nami's eyes and smiled. As Brook stood and went to retrieve his violin, beginning to softly play 'Bink's Sake'- Luffy's favourite- the navigator joined her at their usual spot on the deck.

"You don't think he took it to heart, do you?" Nami asked uneasily, looking at Luffy sitting silently with Chopper, still gazing out towards the sea and the island that was growing smaller by the minute. "I mean, I know he _never_ takes these things to heart, but- he's so _quiet_. It's strange." Robin didn't reply. Because Nami was right, it _was_ strange. They had all witnessed Luffy insulted before, his dream mocked, and he had always reacted in some way. Whether it was in anger, or in humour, or just outright confusion, he had always reacted. He had never sat silently, alone, like this before. It was quite unsettling.

"I don't know, Nami," she said a few minutes later. "I really don't know."

* * *

 

"Hello, captain."

Luffy grinned at her sweetly.

"Robin! Come sit with me!" She smiled back at him and swung her legs over the rails to sit slightly behind him. She could see why he loved this spot so much; the sea and sky spread wide and clear in front of them- orange and rose and gold and beautiful. They sat together in silence for some time, taking it in.

"Are you alright, Luffy?" He looked at her frankly and responded immediately.

"I'm fine. Sanji shouldn't have gotten so angry over something so dumb."

Robin blinked at him then nodded.

"Yes, you're right. But if someone had done that to one of us, you would have responded similarly, no?" She smirked at Luffy's answering pout.

"Well, yeah," he said. "But I'm the captain, it's my job to look after you guys." And it's a crew's job to take care of their captain, don't you understand? "I could've taken that guy if I wanted to, but what would the point have been? It wouldn't have changed his mind, he would've just been proven right."

"Hm," Luffy tilted his head at the thoughtful noise. Robin waited a moment before elaborating. "Perhaps resonding physically would have been a poor move, but I don't think it would make you evil like that man had been suggesting." Luffy frowned and looked away from her. "You're not evil, Luffy."

He was silent was a long second before flashing her another grin and jumping down from the figurehead. She spun back round and landed lightly on the deck next to him.

"I know I'm not evil, Robin. That guy was being dumb, he doesn't even know us! So just forget about him!" He grabbed her hand and pulled her over to sit with Brook, Usopp and Chopper, who were sitting with a deck of cards, trying desperately to regain some of the usual energy of the ship. Usopp looked at her with narrowed eyes as she joined their small circle and asked politely to dealed in.

"You're not going to cheat again, are you?" He asked seriously. "I know you do it!"

Chopper gasped and swung his head back and forth between them both.

"Robin! You don't cheat, do you?" Robin smiled sweetly at him.

"Of course not, Chopper. Don't listen to him."

Chopper gasped and glared at a gawping Usopp, and while the doctor's head was turned Robin smirked at the sharpshooter as wickedly as she knew how. He snapped his mouth shut and narrowed his eyes again, promising an exciting competition. Luffy chuckled and Brook yohoho'd next to her as he dealed for five of them.

The game was exciting enough, but before Robin even got a chance to cheat Luffy beat her to it, strecthing an arm around Usopp's back to steal a card while the sharpshooter kept a wary eye on Robin. However, subtlety is hardly Luffy's strongpoint, and in his haste to bring the card to his own deck his hand brushed against Usopp's cheek.

He jumped and grabbed the appendage before it could retreat. He stared at it for a moment. Then turned slowly to glare at Luffy, who was whistling and looking in the other direction- apparently in an attempt to look innocent, despite the fact he was so obviously caught. Usopp released Luffy's hand as he pounced on their captain, the two of them rolling into the middle of the deck, scattering the cards, yelling incoherently and bringing a swift end to the game.

Brook and Robin chuckled as the pair rolled right on top of a napping Zoro, who then proceeded to chase them angrily in circles around the deck. Chopper climbed onto Robin's lap and smiled adorably up at her as she wrapped her arms around him.

"Having fun, doctor?"

"Yep!" Robin smiled almost as widely as Chopper, and she released the little reindeer so that he could join in the chaos taking place in front of them.

Yes, she thought, remembering Brook's words from earlier, looking once again at her young captain, who, having been abandoned by Usopp who was hiding at the other side of the deck, was caught in a headlock by Zoro. It's their loss.

* * *

 

That night it was Robin's watch. She sat with a thermos of black coffee, a gift from Sanji which, though typical, she knew was also an apology for earlier, sitting next to her. She watched the calm sea that surrounded the ship, and sighed deeply as she reflected on the day.

There was still a burning anger within her at thought of the marketplace and the strangers full of cruel hatred. She thought of Sanji and his fury. She thought of Luffy and his clever aversion to the whole issue, his casual dismissal of the problem, his simple yet wise words. She thought of Brook's comment, and how very true it was.

Robin was pulled out of her thoughts by the trap swinging open and Luffy's curly head popping up. She supposed she must have been more distracted than she'd thought, if she didn't even notice him exiting the boys' cabin. He smiled widely as a greeting and swiftly pulled the rest of his body up.

"Couldn't sleep, captain?"

"Nope! I wanted to sit up here with you, instead."

She smiled, and patted a spot next to her on the bench, which he quickly filled. He crossed his legs leaned his shoulder against hers. She created another arm to tug the blanket over his shoulders as well, and he smiled gratefully. They sat in silence for a time, watching the calm sea and enjoying each other's company. When Robin reached for her coffee, Luffy asked for a taste. Robin hesitated, guessing he assumed it was hot chocolate or something similarly sweet, before handing it over. Luffy, without even bothering to examine the contents of the cup, quickly took a large gulp.

Robin outright chuckled at the wide-eyed grimace that filled his face as he struggled to swallow the bitter liquid. She was still laughing when he shook himself and spoke in a hoarse voice.

"Ugh, what the hell is that?"

Robin giggled again. "Haven't you ever tried coffee before, Luffy? It takes a bit of getting used to before you learn to enjoy it, I suppose." He glared at the cup in his hand before giving it back to Robin, and watched disgustedly as she took a long gulp of the rich coffee. He sighed dramatically.

"I want Sanji to make me a hot drink." He rested his cheek on his palm. Robin smiled and said nothing, watching him silently. She watched as the expression on his face smoothed out to a blankness that gave nothing away. When he spoke next his voice was quiet and measured, somewhat different to his usual self.

"Na, Robin," he began uncertainly. "I, uh, wanted to ask you about something..." She blinked at his uncertainty, waiting for him to continue.

"Go on," she prompted him softly when he didn't continue. He glanced at her quickly out the corner of his eye before continuing.

"Well, I was wondering if you could tell me about- about how you felt," he looked at her cautiously. She frowned slightly, not understanding. "A-at Enies Lobby... when you said you wanted to die." Her eyes widened and she straightened slightly, taken aback, and Luffy quickly added, "But if you don't want to that's fine!"

Robin said nothing for a long moment as she tried to piece together in her head what had happened earlier that day with what Luffy was saying now. Then, realising that he was waiting for an answer, she responded carefully.

"Well, I suppose... I just felt tired. Exhausted. I had spent my whole life haunted by my past and the pain that it caused, and I'd had enough. And I was afraid- terrified, actually- of what could have happened to you if I didn't give myself up." She paused for a moment, thinking. "I suppose I thought of it as the simplest solution, the best solution. One I should have come up with long before then."

She met Luffy's blank gaze and held it for a few seconds, until he turned away with a small frown.

"Captain, why are you asking this?"

He bit his lip and furrowed his brow, then shifted alighhtly to pull his legs up to his chest and wrap his arms around them. He rested his chin on top of his knees and didn't look at her when he answered.

"It's just... I-" his breath caught and he looked almost afraid for a second. Then he took a deep breath and sqaured his shoulders before turning to face her fully. "Look, I don't want you to worry too much about this, okay? It- it was- I got really caught up in everything, that's all..." The more Luffy stumbled over his words the tighter the knot in Robin's stomach became. She knew where this was going.

Since reuniting she knew the rest of the crew was desperate to question their captain about the war and Ace and his two years of training- she felt the same urge. But they all refrained. They knew that Luffy had suffered horribly, and over time it became clear that he was still suffering. But they had to trust him enouh to come to them when he was ready, and they had tried not to pry until then.

Robin could tell that this was the moment she had been waiting and hoping for. But that didn't make her feel any less afraid of what she was about to hear. She made herself speak anyway.

"Luffy," when he looked at her with wide, cautious eyes, she reached out and took one of his hands in hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Anything you say to me tonight, anything at all, will stay between us. I promise you that. You can tell me anything. I won't think any less of you for any of it."

He huffed slightly at that, but smiled at her trustingly nonetheless. He squeezed her hand back and continued holdng it as he went on.

"Well... back in Marineford, it was- horrible. And confusing, there was so much happening- and no matter how hard I fought or how fast I ran I couldn't seem to get any closer to Ace... and it was- it was really annoying. And I guess I just felt afraid. I mean, I had been afraid anyway- I didn't want to lose Ace, obviously, but- I guess I had really thought I could do it, until one point I just... realised how hard it was going to be."

"Captain, just tell me."

There was another pause. "I told Iva-chan that if I didn't save Ace I would want to die." Robin closed her eyes. "And- and I did- for a while. Afterwards." She could feel his hesitation and opened her eyes again to see him watching her with a pained expression on his face- one she was sure mirrored her own expression. She couldn't bring herself to smile, and she knew he wouldn't believe it anyway, so she reached out and again took his hand in hers. He accepted the gesture with a nod and continued.

"After it happened I just... didn't know what to do. I couldn't think about anything except how I'd failed, and how it should have- how I should have tried harder. And I guess I just felt like I didn't have anything else left, until Jinbei reminded me of you guys..." Robin almost smiled at that. They sat in silence for a while before Luffy spoke again. "When Jinbei reminded me that I still had you guys, I realised how much I still wanted to live, to see all of you again and continue our adventure. I realised how happy I was to be alive..."

"But it's hard, isn't it?" Robin asked him quietly. He looked at her expressionlessly and she continued. "Even after finding a reason to live, even after finding happiness in your life, that feeling doesn't always stay away. I'm guessing there have been some times during these past two years when you've felt it again? That sadness?" Luffy averted his eyes as though ashamed and nodded his head sharply. Robin's heart ached for him and she squeezed his hand tightly. "Luffy, it was the same for me," she ignored the pained noise he made and continued on, knowing how much he needed to hear this. "You know how much this crew means to me, and how grateful I am to all of you for the life you have given me. But even so, sometimes I can feel so... lonely, and empty. I think it's something that may never disappear entirely from my life, but with all of you here with me I can fight it each time, so that I'm not overcome by it."

Luffy looked at her again, and she smiled softly at him, hopefully reassuring. "It will be the same for you. If you ever feel like that agin, come to us. We couldn't help you back then, during the war or after. But we're here now, captain. Whenever you need us, whether to listen or to laugh or to talk, anything, we're here now. Let us help you."

Luffy finally smiled back at her, a full, happy, Luffy smile, and squeezed the hand that was holding his.

"What made you think of this, Luffy?" His smile faded, and a puzzled look came over his face.

"I... don't really know. I guess the man from the square- the way he- _hated_ me without even _knowing_ me- it reminded me of how Ace was treated. Even when we were kids, and again in Marineford- everyone hated him so much and wanted to kill him so much- just because of who his _father_ was? It's just so stupid. And when I saw Ace up on the execution platform, he looked so-" He struggled to find the right word. "He looked like he was fine with it. He looked like you did, at Enies Lobby. And I was just wondering if, maybe he felt the same way." He swallowed thickly and looked down at their joined hands. "I was wondering if at that moment maybe Ace _wanted_ to die."

Robin gripped his hand tighter in his and used her other one to lift his chin, sternly holding his gaze to make sure that he understood and accepted what she was about to tell him.

"Listen to me, Luffy. There is a difference between _wanting_ to die and accepting that you are _going_ to die. I truly think that if Ace was feeling anything like that, it would have been the latter." The slightly panicked look in Luffy's eyes began to fade, and Robin made herself smile gently as she released his face and sat back again. Luffy watched her for a few moments more, then turned to watch the sea with a furrowed brow. She watched as his expression cleared, and he turned to her again with a small, sad smile.

"You're right, Robin. I don't think Ace wanted to die." He leaned into her side and lifted the blanket to cover the two of them again. They fell silent, and remained silent until Luffy fell asleep with his head on her shoulder. She looked at him, and wondered if she had helped at all.

As he shifted slightly, and snored a bit, and reached an arm around her waist to hug her close, and murmured Ace's name with a sleepy smile, she supposed that yes, perhaps she had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I am so very very lazy and ended up writing most of this in one night. I'm not sure how happy I am with how it turned out, I must've tried about 5 different versions over the past few months. But it's about time I just posted something so- enjoy! Thankyou for the kudos and comments, they're much appreciated!


	4. Brook

Brook didn't need sleep. He hadn't since he had died. After finally finding his way back to his body - flesh and blood and muscle all gone, only bones left - he spent days wandering aimlessly around the empty corpse of his ship, weeks maybe, before dazedly realising that he felt nothing in terms of exhaustion, or hunger, or thirst - he only felt a great, welling emptiness. A loneliness. 

After coming to this realisation, sleep was the first thing he tried. He returned to the old men's quarters, now layered with dust, and lay on his bed, pulling the sheets to his chin and shifting into what he remembered being a comfortable position. It was only then that he remembered - he had no eyelids to close, nor eyes to close them over.

He lost track of how long he lay there. Silent, unmoving, unable to do anything but stare and stare and stare. He tried remembering how sleep felt. The heaviness of his eyelids when exhaustion began to set in after a gruelling battle. The looseness of his muscles as his body began telling him to rest. The soft pressure on his chest after waking from a long slumber, warm and content in his bed, the soft snores of his crewmates surrounding him... 

He remembered all of this, as he lay alone and awake in his cold bed, on a ship where loneliness hung in the air like a bad smell and the only thing there to break the silence was him. 

He didn't sleep. 

Instead, he tried restoring the ship to its former glory - putting the corpses - each one achingly recognisable, each one another dear friend lost - in coffins, dusting every surface and wiping all the floors, washing old dishes and putting books back on their shelves.

He may have kept this up for years, or perhaps merely a few days. All he knows is that one day he stopped. When he realised that none of it helped. Seeing the ship returned to how it used to be, how it was meant to be, but not hearing the floorboards creak with his friends' footsteps, not hearing the clatter of cutlery on plates or the uproarous laughter of drunken pirates, not finding a new stack of dirty dishes in the sink each morning, abandoned there the night before by the lazy bastards who had used them - without his nakama, Brook realised, what was the point? And so he stopped, and let what had been his home fall into ruin, and decided that he might as well fall along with it. 

He pretended to drink tea from empty cups. He conversed with empty chairs. The music he played, that once entertained hundreds of his friends, his family, his  _nakama,_ was played for no one but himself.

He returned to his bed every night. He got out of his bed every morning.

He could not sleep. But he tried. _Every night_ , he tried. And eventually, he learned to disassociate. To switch off from everything around him - he remembered sleep, and so he pretended to sleep. And he kept pretending until he believed it. He rose each morning and yawned and stretched until his spine crackled and his joints popped, he rubbed his eyes and scratched his head and shuffled tiredly to the kitchen to make his morning cup of tea. He went to the deck and watched the world go by.

He went a little mad, he supposed, but with no one else around, did it really matter?

It didn't. And when Luffy finally,  _finally_  did find him, it still didn't.

Brook accepted his invitation into the crew without really thinking. He supposed that this was either some grand new hallucination his mind had conjured up, and if not - well, he knew he could never go with them, not really. But he could pretend, just for a little while. He was good at pretending.

Even when the Mugiwaras challenged Moria, got his shadow back at the risk of their own lives, Brook would not allow himself to believe it. It was a nice fantasy, having nakama again, but it would never happen. Could never happen. He had been alone too long to belong anywhere, and he was too ghastly to be accepted by anyone.

He was a monster.

But when Kuma came to steal Luffy away, to imprison and torture and murder this boy who carried so much light and hope and love inside of him - Brook felt a fierce protectiveness that shook him to his core, a protectiveness he hadn't felt in years, in decades. A protectiveness he saw reflected in the eyes of everyone around him as they all shouted _'no, you can't have him_ '.

And Brook realised that this was what he wanted - more than anything he had wanted in a long time, he  _wanted_  to go with them, this strange collection of warm-hearted weirdos, with their strange hair and strange bodies and even stranger abilities. He realised that, in a way, they weren't too different than him.

A talking reindeer, who could change from adorable to terrifying in an instant; a blue haired man wearing nothing but tight pants and an open shirt, who turned out to be hardly a man at all but a  _cyborg_ ; a woman whose arms and legs and eyes and ears could multiply, who watched everything with a calculating gaze and could kill without mercy, or just as easily ruffle her captain's hair with the gentlest touch.

The captain himself, a boy really, but with limbs that could stretch to impossible lengths, and a heart that could stretch even further; with a strength that was almost incomprehensible, and an innocence that was even more so.

This was a crew _full_ of monsters, no doubt. But they were the kindest monsters Brook had ever had the pleasure of meeting. And he wanted to be with them more desperately than he had thought he was capable of wanting anything anymore.

So, when all was said and done, he played his music and he partied and he wept with joy at the discovery of Laboon, his dear Laboon, being alive, waiting for him still, as devoted to Brook as Brook was to him. And when Luffy asked again if he would join them, he sucked in a breath, straightened his shoulders, and formally introduced himself.

And he began again. 

* * *

After two years apart, Luffy was different. Yet he hadn't changed at all. Brook noticed it from the moment he leapt onto the deck and into Usopp's open arms. Noticed the way his arms tightened and his mouth straightened and his eyes squeezed shut - all for the briefest moment, one that Brook would have missed had he not been eagerly waiting for his turn to embrace their captain.

But he had been waiting, and he hadn't missed it. And at that moment he knew that Luffy had changed. That though he was outwardly as buoyant and cheerful as he always had been, underneath it all he was carrying a heavy weight, one that they had all wanted to protect him from.

But if there was one thing that Luffy excelled at, it was overcoming obstacles. And every time Brook caught a glimpse of this strange new sadness, so foreign, so _unwelcome_  on Luffy's face, it would be gone again in an instant - his captain deciding to chase Usopp and Chopper around the deck; or to nap next to Zoro, fitting neatly into the swordsman's side the way only he was allowed to; or to sit on the counter in the kitchen, watching Sanji cook and stealing scraps at every opportunity.

Whatever he chose to do, Brook was there.

He would stand by the door, or out on the deck, and he would softly play for his captain. He knew that Luffy always appreciated his music, in a way that few people truly did, and kept track of which tunes were his captain's favourites - 'Bink's Sake' seemed to be the unanimous favourite within the crew, and was played often. After that, whatever unwelcome shadow had taken up residence in Luffy's eyes would disappear for the time being, replaced instead with his usual joyous excitement, and Brook would be content again. 

He had considered asking Luffy about it, but hadn't entertained the thought for very long at all. He knew grief. He knew that it wasn't something that you experienced and let go, it wasn't something temporary. Grief, true grief, stays with you forever. It's something that you confront in your own time, in your own way. All that Brook could do for Luffy was be there for him, play music for him, make him laugh and sing and dance. When - if - Luffy felt ready to come to him, he would listen, and he would tell Luffy the same thing that Luffy had taught him: that if you don't give up, if you keep persevering, things will get better. 

But Luffy never came to him, never once indicated that he wanted to talk about whatever dark memories were haunting him, or whatever complicated feelings he was struggling with. Luffy never went to any of them, but decided to keep it to himself. To struggle alone.

Brook knew why he did it, understood the desperate need to not appear weak or sad or lonely - he saw it in everyone's faces, at one point or another. He had felt it himself, more than once. 

But understanding didn't make it any easier to see Luffy - open and honest and happy Luffy - being so secretive and distant with them all. Not in the slightest.

Brook understood, so he didn't push him. Didn't try to force him to confront his pain before he was ready. But he couldn't leave him alone, not again. So he stayed by his side, whenever he could. And he waited. 

* * *

"Luffy, seriously, get out. If you want any dinner at all you've got to actually let me _cook_ it." 

"But Sanji~" Luffy whined from where he was wrapped around the cook's thin waist. "You said dinner wouldn't be ready for another _half hour_ \- that's so _long_! I want food _now_!" 

"Luffy, we've been over this a _million times_ -" 

"But~" 

Brook laughed and spoke up from where he had been sat at the table, observing with amusement, "Luffy-san, perhaps it would be best to leave Sanji-san to it. We can go and play with Usopp and Chopper instead?" Luffy turned his head without disentangling himself, rubbing his face on Sanji's back in the process and making the cook grumble quietly, and pouted at Brook.

"But I'm hungry _now_. And there's so much food-" 

"Food for dinner, Luffy. How am I meant to make a meal if you eat all the ingredients?" 

"You don't need _all_ the ingredients, though! You can make delicious food out of _nothing_! You're the best cook in the _world_ , Sanji!" 

Brook chuckled as he watched the best cook in the world grow steadily redder, his shoulders rising around his ears, and start spluttering.

"Sh-shut up, asshole," he muttered, sounding remarkably (and endearingly) like Chopper when he tried and failed to sound angry, "flattery will get you nowhere with me..." 

Luffy only gripped him tighter and rested his chin on Sanji's shoulder, rocking them back and forth until the cook reluctantly relented and gave him a small bowl filled with broth. 

"Here, then. Eat this - _at the table_ \- and then go pester someone else! Idiot captain..." 

Luffy immediately released him and grabbed the bowl instead, carrying it to the table as quickly as he could without spilling it. Sanji was still blushing when he came over to slam two spoons and an extra bowl on the table. 

"Yohoho~ lucky me. Thank you very much, best cook in the world." Sanji glared at him - face so hot he could finish cooking on it - turned on his heel and stormed back to the stove, clanging about noisily.

Together, Brook and Luffy devoured the broth with vigour, sighing contentedly and leaning back in their chairs after finishing. 

"That was delicious..." they said together. 

Brook leaned back and imagined closing his eyes in satisfaction, the way he remembered doing back when he had eyes to close and had just finished a good meal. He tipped his head back and sighed again. He turned when he heard the soft rustle of fabric, and was only a bit surprised to find his captain's curly head resting on his shoulder. 

Luffy didn't say anything, just sat with his legs crossed, languidly licking his bowl despite it already being so clean it might never have been used at all. And Brook decided that if Luffy was content with the silence, then so was he.

Together they sat and watched Sanji bustle about the kitchen, and smiled softly when the cook began humming softly to himself (something rare, something that only happened when it was quiet like this, and Sanji forgot that he wasn't alone).

Nothing more was said until Sanji turned and noticed them, still sitting there, and blushed furiously again before grabbing fistfuls of cutlery and slamming them on the table, telling the two of them that if they didn't set the table in the next ten seconds they would wash the dishes instead of Nami-san tonight, then leaning out the door to call the others for the meal. Brook chuckled, and Luffy scrambled to lay out the cutlery, completely disregarding where each utensil was being placed, and soon the kitchen was full again with the usual noise and chaos of the crew, and their quiet moment ended. 

It was the kind of moment that Brook had missed desperately over the past two years. The quiet contentedness of being in the presence of someone you love. Of being so comfortable in each other's company that no words are needed to pass the time. It was a kind of silence that Brook was still unused to - not one that spoke of loneliness and death and grief and pain, but one filled with life and presence and love. He had missed it so much. 

So he wondered why it made him feel as uneasy as he did. 

* * *

 

Luffy was being... clingy. It wasn't a bad thing, nor even a particularly unusual thing. Luffy had always been enthusiastic and loud, always talking, always grabbing hands or throwing his arms across shoulders or swooping them up in tight hugs. Luffy was generally a physical being.

There was just something about his more recent behaviour that deviated from his general friendliness and moved towards... _clinginess_.

"Luffy, I told you, I need some space right now. Go bother Zoro or Usopp or Franky or someone -"

"But Nami, I want to sit with you -"

"I'm busy -"

"I'll just sit -"

"Luffy," Franky spoke up from the door he had poked his spiky head through. "Usopp and I could use a hand with a new invention, we think we're onto a super cool new weapon!"

Luffy's frown lasted barely a second before it was replaced with his usual blinding grin, but none of them missed it. Nami watched him sprint past Franky and down the stairs, her important work lying forgotten in front of her. The three of them were silent for a few seconds.

"Luffy is... he seems kinda _low_ sometimes, don'tcha think?" Franky lifted his shades to look at them both. Brook hummed softly and nodded.

"He's so _different_ ," Nami said quietly, an almost unnoticeable tremor in her voice, "but at the same time - he's the same old Luffy. I don't know..."

"I suppose we could never have expected him to be unchanged," Brook looked at them both solemnly. "Grief cannot be overcome so easily, as we're all well aware."

Franky frowned deeply and nodded. He opened his mouth to say more, then closed it again and shook his head, turning away and disappearing again through the door behind him. Brook and Nami looked at each other, but found nothing more to say.

* * *

Something was wrong.

Usopp had picked up on it too. Brook could tell from the way his laughter never quite reached his eyes, which were instead full of worry. Brook followed his gaze to the object of their concern. 

Luffy was sitting across from Usopp, Chopper hanging off his shoulder and Franky sitting beside him, eagerly showing them whatever invention he had recently finished.

As Brook watched, Luffy exclaimed at all the right moments, grinned enthusiastically at Chopper every time the small reindeer shouted excitedly, and seemed to be asking the shipwright all the right questions to keep him talking. But every move Luffy made, every question he asked, every smile he flashed - they all seemed to be planned, deliberate. As if he didn't mean them, but knew they were what was required in this situation. 

Brook watched as Luffy shuffled uncomfortably in place when Chopper climbed over his shoulder and into his lap. Usually, when Chopper did this, Luffy would wrap his arms around him and rest his chin on top of the doctor's head. But now - now Luffy didn't seem to know what to do. He shifted again, lifted his arms in an abrupt and aborted movement then lowered them again, frowning to himself. He seemed to settle for placing his hand on the deck behind him and resting his weight on them. It would have seemed normal, casual, if only it didn't also look like he was trying to get as far away from Chopper as he possibly could without throwing him off his lap. 

Brook's attention shifted again to Usopp as the sharpshooter leapt to his feet and bounded over, sitting again at the other side of Franky.

"This looks so cool, Franky! Doesn't it Chopper?" The reindeer lit up at being addressed, and waved his arms happily. 

"Yeah! Apparently it'll shoot _lasers_! We're trying to decide what colour to paint it!" 

"Ehhh, really? What are you thinking?" He opened his arms and Chopper leapt into them eagerly, launching into suggestions and seeming to miss the way Luffy's entire body seemed to lose a tension Brook hadn't even noticed, all the muscles relaxing and the hard lines of clenched muscles softening again. His face wore an expression torn between relief and despair, before he tried to school it into one more resembling his usual excitement.

Brook thought he looked more like he was ready to burst into tears. 

"Luffy-san," Brook said with forced cheerfulness, "would you mind checking how long it will be until dinner is ready? I'm quite famished, yohoho~" 

Luffy looked at him with those wide eyes for a long moment, before shaking himself almost imperceptibly and slapping a grin on his pale face. 

"Sure! I'm starving too!"

As he all but sprinted to the kitchen, Brook caught Usopp's eye over Chopper's head. Usopp shrugged helplessly, and Brook heaved a sigh before walking over to join them.

When Luffy didn't return, he wasn't surprised. 

* * *

Sanji's voice rang out across the deck a few hours later, and the crew made their way to the galley. Brook was the first to arrive, and when he didn't find Luffy waiting eagerly in his seat, he knew that the boy hadn't gone to the kitchen at all.

The rest of the crew filed in, lastly a bleary-eyed Zoro with an equally sleepy Luffy clutching his sleeve. Brook would have smiled if he had lips - they looked like a pair of toddlers just woken from a nap. 

Luffy maintained his grasp on his swordsman's sleeve until he reached his seat. At which point he slumped down in it, yawned so widely Brook wondered if his rubber abilities were contributing, and finally, _finally_ , smiled at them. The first real Luffy-smile Brook had seen all day. Brook saw Usopp's shoulders slump out of the corner of his eye - out of relief that their captain was seemingly back to normal, or frustration that they never managed to talk to him about it, Brook wasn't sure.

Dinner passed normally - as loud and chaotic and delicious as ever. And when everyone had finished and Zoro, on washing up duty, was begrudgingly helping Sanji clear the table, Usopp wasted no time in grabbing Luffy's hand and hauling him out to the deck for a game, Chopper excitedly chasing after them. Brook made to join them, when Zoro's low voice stopped him.

"He never does that."

They all turned to him questioningly. He was leaning back against the counter, arms folded in front of him and brows furrowed deeply. 

"You're going to have to be a bit more specific, Zoro," said Nami.

"Luffy."

They all seemed to sober up a bit at that. It was at times like these that Brook was reminded of the constant tension they had felt since being reunited. It was often imperceptible, but it was always there. And it was rooted entirely in concern for their captain.

"Wh-what did he do?" Franky asked nervously. 

"He napped with me."

"Eh?"

Sanji shook his head in disdain. "Believe it or not, marimo, he actually does that an awful damn lot."

"But usually he touches me." Sanji raised a curled eyebrow. Nami leaned forward to rest her elbows on the table. 

"What do you mean, Zoro?"

He sighed and ran an agitated hand through his hair.

"You know what he's like - always clinging and cuddling and shit. Whenever he wants to nap with me he usually - does that," he blushed faintly. "Cuddles me."

Sanji looked very much like if they weren't all so tense, he would be dying of laughter. 

"But he didn't this time?" Robin asked, with the smallest hint of amusement in her voice. "Cuddle you?"

Zoro shook his head. "He didn't touch me until dinner was called. He just napped next to me."

"How strange."

"Strange, indeed," Brook agreed. "He did seem quite... upset earlier today, out on the deck. Very unlike his usual self."

"Upset?" Franky said, wide eyed. "Upset how?"

"Hm," Brook thought back to his captain's earlier behaviour, "he looked as if he was forcing himself to be... well, _himself_. He looked like he was quite uncomfortable."

Frank's fists clenched on the table, and he glared at them angrily. "I didn't even notice..."

Robin placed a delicate hand on top of his and said, "Luffy is more capable of hiding things than I think we sometimes realise. We all know how much he still suffers from what happened two years ago, but it's not often we actually see it." They all fell silent, and the sounds of their nakama's laughter drifted in from outside. Zoro sighed.

"He'll come to us when he's ready. We just need to keep that in mind." He pushed off from the counter and moved to the sink, turning his back on them.

 _Will he?_ Brook couldn't help but wonder. He knew that some of the crew had managed to get Luffy to open up to them, though only a little. It still seemed like Luffy wouldn't allow himself any more than these fleeting moments of vulnerability, of comfort, before bouncing right back to the strong, excitable captain they knew him as.

Brook knew that Luffy's last intention was to hurt them, to make them feel useless. But Brook felt exactly that, as he listened to his captain's bright laughter. _Useless_.

* * *

 "I miss Ace."

Brook jolted slightly at his captain's words. They had been sitting quietly - Luffy watching the sparkling sea before him from his special seat, Brook watching Sanji serve Nami and Robin some elaborate desserts at the other side of the deck from where he was seated on the railing.

Brook had been trying to think of what song to play for his captain when Luffy spoke. Now he knew that if he started playing anything, this moment - the one he knew he'd been waiting for - would pass him by. He put his violin down. 

"I miss Ace," Luffy said again, quieter. Brook turned to look at him.

"I know, Luffy-san," he said, as gently as he could, "and it's not a bad thing that you do." Luffy shook his head in disagreement.

"I know it isn't bad to miss him. Of _course_ I miss him. It's just - I shouldn't be -" almost absent-mindedly he lifted his hat from his back and pulled it over his head, then rested his hand upon his chest. Brook waited for him to continue. "I _miss_ him, but I have all of you. And even though I know that doesn't mean I shouldn't miss Ace, it should still be... enough. Earlier, with Chopper, and with Zoro - I just - I wished it was _Ace_..."

"Luffy-san," and when Luffy wouldn't look at him, " _ca_ _ptain_." Brook met Luffy's gaze, not that the boy could tell.

"We aren't Ace," Luffy's eyes widened, and his fingers twitched over his chest. "We aren't Ace. We could never replace him, and we would never _try_ to - nor should you. We're your crew, your _nakama_ , and we _love_ you. And we know that _you_ love _us_. We understand that you miss your brother, and that that doesn't mean you love us or value us any less. We _understand_ , Luffy-san."

Luffy turned away, and pulled the brim of his hat lower over his eyes. Brook saw him bite his lip against what he wanted to say but thought he shouldn't, and listened as he said it anyway.

"I just - I don't _get_ it. I only saw Ace once after he left Foosha - and it was only for a few days. I don't understand why I feel like - like he should _be_ _here_ , all the time. I don't understand why I feel so - _so_ -"

"Lonely." Luffy's shoulders slumped, and he nodded sullenly. Almost guiltily.

"I have all of you. I shouldn't feel lonely. But sometimes I just _do_ , even though it's so _stupid_." Brook reached over and took Luffy's hand in his, tugging until the boy reluctantly shifted from his perch and turned so that he was sitting next to Brook, facing the deck.

They sat in silence for a moment, hand in hand, while Brook considered his next words. 

"Luffy-san, I lost my entire crew," Luffy's hand tightened around his and he leaned his head on Brook's shoulder. "I lost them all, and I was alone for so long that loneliness was all I felt, all the time. Then you found me. You _saved_ me. And I wasn't alone any more." He hoped Luffy could hear the smile in his voice. "I haven't been alone since I met you, captain. But sometimes I still feel lonely." Luffy made a small noise, as if he wanted to speak. When he didn't, Brook kept talking.

"At first I thought it was horrible of me, ungrateful, even, to feel lonely when I was surrounded by the most wonderful people. So I tried not to feel lonely, I tried to forget the feeling. But Luffy-san, to forget that loneliness, to try to bury it deep inside and pretend it was never there to begin with - how could I do that? How could I, when doing so meant forgetting them too?" Luffy lifted his head to look at him, confusion clear on his face.

"The loneliness I felt, I felt because I _missed_ them. My crew. My beloved friends. I miss them so dearly, even though I have you and the others. Even though I love you all just as much. So when I tried to stop feeling lonely, I felt myself losing what I had left of them, the _memories_ I had of them, and I couldn't stand it. I realised - it's okay to feel lonely. It's not being ungrateful, it's not being stupid. Perhaps this doesn't make much sense, but I do think that this is part of how we remember those we have lost. We remember the things we loved about them, we remember how it felt to be loved _by_ them, and we miss it, because we _want_ it.

"Love is love, Luffy-san, but every love is different. Your love for Ace is different to your love for me, which is different to your love for Zoro-san, or Nami-san. And losing it will always hurt. We won't always be able to help, even though we desperately want to. But we're still _here_ , captain. No matter how lonely you may sometimes feel, no matter how little it may seem to help sometimes, never forget that we are _here_. And we love you."

Luffy blinked rapidly, and sniffled a little bit as he watched Nami and Robin move onto some brightly coloured cocktails while Sanji swirled happily around them. Usopp and Franky were in deep discussion, Chopper sleeping on top of one of the cyborg's massive shoulders. Zoro was resting against the rails next to them, fast asleep.

Luffy turned back to Brook and smiled.

"Thank you, Brook. I love you too!"

He wrapped his arms around him, stretching them to impossible lengths so that Brook felt as though he were caught in a tight coil of rope. Then he released him and, still smiling, wandered over to his swordsman. He sat down next to him, and leaned against his side, and promptly started snoring as though he had been asleep in that very spot for hours.

Zoro shifted so that he could loosely wrap an arm around Luffy's shoulders. He opened his eye, looked at the curly head beside him, covered with its signature strawhat. Then he looked up at Brook, and nodded gratefully. Brook chuckled to himself as he nodded back. He didn't know if Luffy fully understood his words, but he knew in his heart that he had helped.

Not that he had a heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I feel like this maybe turned out more angsty for Brook than I intended but somehow I find him difficult to write without being kinda angsty? I hope you enjoyed it anyway! Thank you so much for all the support for this fic, it's so nice to know you all appreciate it!


	5. Sanji

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.
> 
> I'm not really sure with where the anime is in the WCI arc, but this contains one or two spoilers so maybe proceed with caution.

Sanji stared at the raw bruises circling his wrists.

It had been hours since Brook had sliced the golden cuffs off with a cold fury, but Sanji could still feel them - he knew that it was going to be a _long_  time until he couldn't, and an even longer time until he stopped feeling _them_. His ' _family_ '.

He had spent years of his childhood, years of his _life_ , trying to foget them. To forget their cruel words, their harsh blows, the terror they had imprinted on his mind. He had known that he would never be completely free of them, that there would always be some corner of his mind that they inhibited. But for a while, he had managed to not let it control him. Not like it used to.

He trained himself to not flinch every time Zeff raised a hand to place on his shoulder or ruffle his hair. He trained himself not to feel a cold fear every time he cooked - fear that his brothers would find him, they would find him and they would hurt him or worse - they would _tell father_ and he would be _locked away again_ -

He trained himself to stop seeing Yonji lunging at him every time he sparred with the idiot swordsman. 

He trained himself to be _happy_ \- and for a while, he succeeded.

But then-

"Sanji, turn your head a bit."

Sanji jumped slightly as Chopper gently tilted his chin upwards with a cool hoof. He met the reindeer's eyes for a second, and looked away again, his eyes resting instead on his captain, seated in the corner of the room, his face almost completely hidden by his hat. He hadn't said a word since Sanji had removed his mask to reveal the swelling and cuts and bruises - all of which he claimed to have received in a 'sparring match' with his brothers.

It wasn't his best lie, not by a long shot, but he was too exhausted to come up with anything better, and _beyond_ too exhausted to tell them the truth. He knew they didn't believe him, that they wanted to ask him more.

He was selfishly grateful that they didn't.

He winced slightly as Chopper pressed some gauze to his swollen cheekbone, but controlled the action quickly when he felt the doctor's hoof trembling against him. He closed his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek, unable to find the words to apologise, or to console, or to thank. To say anything of what should be said.

His throat burned as he thought of everything they went through for him, even after everything that he did to them. He thought of everything that could have happened, that _had_ almost happened, and realised again with sickening relief how _lucky_ they had all been in even making it out of there _alive_ , let alone relatively uninjured.

(He tried not to think of Pedro, or Jinbe, focusing instead on what he had here in front of him.)

Sanji thought of all of this, and of what he almost lost, and wished he could speak around the painful lump in his throat.

Instead, the three of them sat in silence. And when Nami and Brook came in, they took one look at his battered state before they too sat in silence, watching Chopper finish bandaging his face and wrists and ribs with a barely concealed rage which he thought (hoped) may be only partially directed at him.

Once again, he wondered how the hell things were going to go back to the way that they had been. And once again he reminded himself that they never could - not really.

When Chopper finished tying the last bandage around Sanji's cracked and aching ribs, he sat back wearily. He looked at Sanji, and Sanji looked back, and then, quite suddenly, the little reindeer burst into tears. Sanji stared at him, dumbfounded, for a few seconds, before hesitantly reaching out and placing a hand on his head.

Immediately, Chopper leapt into his lap and, ever mindful of his injuries, carefully wrapped his little arms as far around Sanji's waist as they could go. The cook returned the embrace gently, once again feeling overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of the  _love_ he felt for these wonderful people he had somehow found himself with.

"Sanji," he couldn't help but flinch at the voice, and it took him a moment before he could bring himself to meet the burning eyes of the navigator where she sat in the chair next to the infirmary bed. She held his gaze for a few seconds before continuing in a low, tight voice.

"Are you okay?"

He blinked. He had expected a lecture, a condemnation. He had expected Nami to demand a reason for his betrayal, to demand some sort of compensation for the fear and pain he caused them all. He'd maybe even expected a threat or two. 

Not _this_.

"Sanji?" He blinked again, and realised they were all waiting on an answer. He cleared his throat shakily.

"I'm fine."

At their looks of utter disbelief he attempted what he hoped would be a reassuring smile.

"Really. I- I'm sorry. For everything. Everything that I said and did, and everything you had to go through just to get me back-" Chopper's grip on him tightened almost painfully, and Sanji could feel him shaking his little head where it was buried amongst his bandages, but he continued anyway, knowing that if he didn't say it now he might never be able to again. "I hadn't expected things to go so _wrong_ \- I'm not - that's not an excuse or anything, I _know_ that, I just - I had planned on getting the hell out of there as soon as I could - and I hadn't planned on you guys showing up either..."

"Well that was pretty fucking stupid of you then, wasn't it?" Ah. That's more like what he had expected. He smiled ruefully.

"Yes, I suppose it was. I'm sorry. I should have done this all differently. I should have told you guys as soon as I got my bounty - I should have _known_ it would cause us at least _some_ trouble."

"No, Sanji," he looked at Nami, who had her hands curled so tightly into her skirt that her knuckles were white. "No. I don't care that you didn't tell us about them, I don't care about the ' _trouble_ ' it got us into. What I _care_ about is the fact that you thought you had to do this _alone_." Sanji couldn't think of anything to say to that, and could only shake his head apologetically. Nami looked ready to burst into tears as well. 

"If I may ask, Sanji-san," Brook piped up from where he stood behind Nami's chair, "why _didn't_ you tell us? Surely you didn't believe we would think of you any differently?"

Sanji thought for a moment before answering as honestly as he could. He needed to give them something, just for now. Just until he got himself together enough to give them the proper apology they deserved.

"It was... irrelevant. Or at least, I tried to make it be. I've spent most of my life trying to forget about them, to escape the- the _stain_ that they seem to have left on me." He noticed he was wringing his shaking hands together behind Chopper's back, and gripped the fabric of his trousers instead. He saw Nami make an aborted movement towards him from the corner of his eye, and was strangely grateful when she instead chose to settle again in the chair. "I had spent so long trying not to be ' _Vinsmoke_ _Sanji_ ' that it just didn't seem to make sense that I would introduce myself as that to you."

"I see," Brook nodded slowly.

"But..." Sanji continued softly, needing to tell them, to make them _understand,_  "it was more than that. My time with the Vinsmokes was... horrible. I thought I was going to die there." Nami did move then, sitting next to him on the bed and leaning her head on his shoulder, prying a hand from his trousers to hold gently in hers. When he continued his voice was trembling.

"And when I finally escaped - growing up on the Baratie, with Zeff, there was a lot..." he sighed, and ran his free hand through his hair, wishing he could find the right words. He had never spoken about this stuff to anyone.

The others waited patiently for him to continue, Chopper moving to sit snugly between him and Nami, Luffy still with his face hidden beneath his hat (Sanji wondered if he had actually fallen asleep) and Brook moving to occupy the seat Nami had vacated. He took a steadying breath and went on.

"Coming straight from that hell and going almost _straight_ to starving on a rock in the middle of the sea - it took me a long time to live normally after that. To learn how to be... happy. And I guess, with Zeff - there was always this... shadow? This - weight, hanging over the two of us, because of what we shared, what we experienced together. And we lived with it for years - it's part of who we are, of our relationship, and we've accepted that. It's just - when I met all of you, and when Luffy invited me into the crew - it was just so - _fresh_. There were no shadows or weights hanging over us, no stains on what we had - it was just... clean. And I had never had that before. I wanted to keep it, I guess." He felt his eyes burning, and lifted his unoccupied hand to press against his face.

"I'm _sorry_. For all the pain I've caused."

No one spoke, and Sanji couldn't bring himself to move his hand. Couldn't bring himself to look at them.

The silence stretched on as Sanji composed himself. Nami still held his other hand in her own, Chopper was still pressed tightly between the two of them. Brook had, at some point, reached for Nami's other hand, and held it securely between his own skeletal ones.

Luffy was yet to speak. 

Eventually, when Sanji could remove his hand from his face without breaking down in front of them, Nami shook herself and stood. Sanji just barely managed not flinch away from her touch when she reached for him, but he supposed something showed on his face anyway, because she paused and her eyes _burned_ for the briefest moment before she placed her hand on his cheek anyway. She leaned her head towards him until there were only a few inches between them.

If they had been this close a few days ago Sanji would have been blushing to his roots. Now he felt only a cold wariness settle in his chest as he stared into her fierce eyes. 

"I'm still pissed at you for scaring me," she said quietly, and Sanji, though expecting it, felt his heart break a little, "but you don't need to apologise for what they've done to you. And you're not - ' _stained'_. You're not whatever they told you, or whatever they tried to make you. You're _Sanji_. Black Leg Sanji. Of the Mugiwara Pirates. You're _ours_ , no one else's."

She placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, and he couldn't find it in himself to lift a hand and wipe his tears away.

"I - _we_ love you, Sanji. We do."

She didn't let go of him until he met her eyes with his tearful ones and nodded. 

"I love you too, Nami-san. All of you."

She smiled and stepped away. Then gave a look to Chopper and Brook and walked through the door to the galley, leaving the door open (Sanji tried to ignore the brief glimpse of the utter wreckage he saw within, deciding to unpack it at a later time) for them to follow her. Chopper gave Sanji one more brief hug before jumping down and following her, and Brook placed a gentle hand on his shoulder before doing the same, closing the door quietly behind him. Leaving Sanji alone with his captain.

Sanji looked at him. He was leaning his back against the wall, his hat was covering enough of his face that all Sanji could make out was tightly pressed lips. His arms were crossed tightly across his scarred chest, but Sanji could see his fists clenched so tightly by his elbows that their knuckles were white.

Not asleep then. Sanji had rather selfishly been hoping he was.

"L-Luffy," he didn't move, nor give any indication he had heard Sanji speak, "I know I hurt you, and I know - I know Nami said I don't have to apologise - but I _do_. I'm sorry. Luffy, I'm so fucking _sorry_ , I -"

He was cut off so abruptly he almost bit his tongue as Luffy launched himself at him, using a muscular leg to push off the wall. He wrapped his arms tightly around Sanji's neck, his legs wrapped around his waist - he was all but sitting in his lap, and any other time Sanji might have been embarrassed, have thrown him off and given him a solid kick in the head for good measure. But now - now he was quite honestly terrified as he felt Luffy _shaking_ against him.

"Luffy?" He whispered hoarsely. His grip only tightened, and the shaking did not abate. He felt a wetness on his shoulder where Luffy's face was pressed against it. 

"I almost lost you. Sanji, I almost _lost_ you."

Sanji felt sick. 

"I know, Luffy. I - I know. I'm s -"

" _Stop apologising_!" He spoke harshly, in the tone he used whenever an enemy was threatening one of his nakama. Sanji distantly wondered why he would use it now. "You're an idiot, and you should have let us help you sooner, but stop apologising! It's not your fault, baka, it's theirs. Those _Vinsmokes_ or whoever." Sanji realised he was shaking his head.

"Luffy, they're assholes. I'm the last person who will disagree you on that. But I - I hurt you. I hurt you and Nami-san and Chopper and Brook. I _hurt_ you. I don't deserve any of this - this forgiveness -"

"I don't forgive you," Luffy's voice was quiet, muffled against Sanji's shoulder, but he may as well have screamed it with all his might for the way it stopped Sanji short. Before he could reply Luffy went on, "I don't forgive you, Sanji, because there's nothing to forgive. I told you that already. Pay attention." Sanji huffed a laugh at that.

"I don't think I can quite believe that yet, captain. But - I'll try. I promise I will." He wrapped his arms around Luffy's waist and shifted so that his face was angled against his neck, black curls still smelling of smoke and sugar tickling his nose. "Thank you, Luffy. For saving me."

They stayed like that for a few minutes, the knowledge that they were alive and safe and together again still not quite done sinking in yet, before Sanji pulled Luffy away from and looked at him with as seriously as he could. 

"Now, Luffy, about my kitchen..."

He somehow managed not to laugh at the way Luffy's eyes went comically wide and his head whipped back and forth between the door and Sanji's face. He quickly leapt off Sanji's lap and lifted his arms in front of him placatingly.

"U-uh, well, ya see..." Sanji raised his eyebrow sharply and Luffy bolted through the door leading to the deck, leaving Sanji alone to chuckle to himself. He looked back at the kitchen door, and just imagined what Luffy could have done to destroy the place so thoroughly.

If this had happened a few days ago, Sanji would have been furious. Chasing Luffy relentlessly around the ship until he caught him and taught him a lesson about messing with his kitchen. But now - now even the thought of kicking Luffy, of touching him with any ill intention, made Sanji feel sick.

He could still remember the feeling of Luffy's skull beneath his heel, the muffled sounds of pain he had tried and failed to contain as his cook betrayed and belittled and beat him, the screams of Nami to _stop please you'll kill him_ -

Sanji knew he would never forget. And he knew that he would never be able to forgive himself, no matter what Nami or Luffy or anyone else said.

He sighed and shook himself, trying to focus on his nakama's words and put a smile on his face for them. Then he braced himself and walked to the kitchen door - slower than he would have normally walked, as the aches and pains of a recent battle (and beating) began to make themselves known - and when he pushed open the door it was to see Nami and Chopper and Carrot all in a frenzy, straightening chairs and wiping down charred surfaces, salvaging any unbroken plates and cups and pots and pans and stacking them haphazardly on the countertops. When they saw him watching them from the doorway, they froze.

"Um," Chopper began nervously, tugging on the hem of his shirt and shuffling side to side, "we'll clean it all up as much as we can, honestly. We just need Franky to fix some things... and some money to replace some of your stuff - but we'll get it good as new in no time!"

"We're really sorry, Sanji!" Carrot had her hands clasped in front of her, looking torn between hugging Sanji or Chopper.

"We shouldn't have even let Luffy into the kitchen at all, but you know how he is..." Even Nami was apologetic.

They all looked at Sanji expectantly, becoming more and more uncomfortable as the silence stretched and his face remained impassive.

Then, miraculously, he found himself laughing. 

Not a soft, 'don't worry about it' kind of laugh. Not a teasing, 'how the hell did you guys manage this' kind of laugh. This was a _full_ laugh. Fuller than he had laughed in the two years since their separation on Sabaody. This was wheezing, and bellowing, and maybe just a tad hysterical.

Sanji was barely aware of the three of them jumping in fright at his sudden and unexpected outburst, of their shared looks of alarm, which slowly melted into fondness and amusement as it became clear that Sanji wasn't going to stop anytime soon - he honestly didn't think he would be able to, leaning against the wall now for support, arms wrapped around his aching midriff. He couldn't stop. He was just so-

Finally the others joined in, and with wide grins and tears in their eyes, they all returned to tidying the mess as best they could, with Sanji helping them, still chuckling every now and then.

Luffy didn't make an appearance, and Sanji wondered if he were still hiding from his cooks wrath, or if he had figured out yet that his cook was no longer capable of feeling anything for him but regret and gratitude and love.

* * *

Sanji woke in a cold sweat, chest heaving and aching from more than just bruises. He looked around him. Nami and Carrot had abandoned the girls cabin in favour of sleeping in the unoccupied bunks left by their crewmates in Wano. Chopper was on watch. Everyone slept on.

Something shifted against his side and Sanji nearly fell out his bed in surprise. He squinted beside him and through the darkness could just barely make out the shape of a long, gangly arm stretched out across his stomach, a mess of curls resting beside his chest. He hadn't even noticed his Captian sleeping next to him when he woke, too preoccupied with the familiar old terror of his childhood nightmares, come to life again.

He sighed shakily and lifted a trembling hand to rub his eyes. He pressed his fingers against them until bright spots flashes across the back of his eyelids. Then, when the tightness in his chest wouldn't abate and he knew he would get no more sleep that night, he began to sit up. 

Luffy jolted when he felt Sanji leave his side, and a rubber hand caught Sanji's bandaged wrist in a painfully tight grip.

"S'nji?" _Ah, still half asleep then_. Sanji turned as much as he could and rested his other hand on top of Luffy's.

"It's fine captain, I'm just going to the kitchen, maybe to get started on breakfast," he had no idea how early it was, but he needed something to take his mind off of the leering faces and mocking words still echoing through his mind. "Just go back to sleep."

Luffy didn't let go. "Don' leave again, Sanji. Don' go anywhere." Sanji was started to get used to the feeling of guilt-filled nausea that rolled through him.

He swallowed thickly and whispered, "Luffy, I promise I won't leave you again. I promise." He saw two dim glints as Luffy peered at him blearily. "Just go back to sleep, Luffy. I'll have some delicious food waiting for you when you wake up."

He managed to pry Luffy's fingers off his and rest his hand back upon the bed. He placed the blanket back on top of his captain, already sleeping peacefully again, and grabbed his shirt from where it was hanging on the wall. He pulled his cigarettes from his shirt pocket as he stepped out onto the deck, quickly closing the door behind him so as not to let his smoke or the chill of the night air in. He looked at the sky as he lit up and guessed it was just a couple of hours before he usually woke up anyway. 

He finished his smoke much too quickly for his liking, but didn't dare light another one with Chopper likely watching from the crows nest. 

Once in the kitchen, Sanji set about finding a usable flask and two unbroken cups, then put a pot on the stove for some hot chocolate. Personally he didn't think he could stand to consume anything sweet for another long while yet, but he knew nothing would ever kill Chopper's sweet tooth - not even Whole Cake Island.

He turned at the sound of the door opening behind him a few minutes later, and was surprised to see Nami standing in the doorway, hair a mess and cheek creased from her pillow, but with eyes that were wide awake. He guessed she had been awake for quite some time. She had, in all likelihood, heard his night terror, as well as his reassurances to Luffy.

He turned back to the stove to hide his pale face and trembling hands from her.

"Its quite early yet, Nami-san. Couldn't sleep?"

"No more than you, it would seem."

"Mm. It's been... a difficult few days. It'll take me a while to get back to normal."

Nami walked past the table to sit on the counter behind him. He tried not to let his nervousness show. 

"Hot chocolate or tea, Nami-san? I'll be taking them up to Chopper, if you'd like to join us."

"Hm, some tea would be nice, thank you."

"Of course."

She watched him as he set a pot of water to boil next to the hot chocolate, and grabbed another cup from the stack next to the sink.

"He was really scared, you know," Nami said quietly, "when Pudding told us that she was going to kill you. Obviously he was angry, and he was _never_ going to let her do it, but when she told him her plan - for a second, his face was just... terrified. We were terrified."

Sanji folded his arms across his chest and turned to face her. Her face was drawn and pale, her eyes red rimmed. Sanji imagined he looked much the same.

"I meant to come back to you," he hated how much it sounded like he was making excuses, but he needed her to understand that it was the truth. "I hadn't meant to actually get drawn up into it all. If I could have stayed with you, just told them 'no' and been done with it, I really would have. But they - they're not people you would just say ' _no_ ' to."

"You could have taken us with you, Sanji-"

" _That_ \- that right there, Nami-san. That's it," she blinked at him. "If I had taken you with me, if I had led you and Chopper and Brook right into the hands of my - of the Vinsmokes... The very _thought_ of it, that's the thing that terrified me." He closed his eyes, unable to stand the look in her eyes. "They took me, and they beat me, and they threatened me. It felt as if I was a scared little kid again. But it wasn't until I heard you and Luffy, and saw you two coming towards me, that I felt truly _terrified_. I didn't care what they did to _me_ , I just couldn't lose _you_. The thought that I could lose you, _all_ of you, scared me more than anything."

"Sanji-kun..." He looked at her again.

"That's why I can't forgive myself, no matter what you or Luffy may say. Because I know, I _know_ how much I hurt Luffy. Not just physically. I know how terrified he was, especially after losing Ace, because _I_ was terrified of the same thing, but I went on hurting him anyway. And that, Nami-san, that really is unforgivable." Sanji turned back to the stove, just managing to save the hot chocolate form burning, and poured it into the flask. He put the pot in the sink before getting another flask for the tea.

He was measuring out spoonfuls of tea leaves when Nami wrapped her arms around his waist. He felt her rest her forehead on his back. He braced himself against the counter and bowed his head.

"I understand," she said quietly, "we all do. I've been there, Robin's been there, Usopp's been there. We all understand why you did it, we understand how you're feeling now, even if we don't know everything that they did to you. And if you can't forgive yourself yet, that's fine too. Just as long as you remember that we're still here for you." He smiled. 

"I imagine Luffy won't let me forget any time soon." He felt her laugh softly. 

"No, I think he'll be pretty much glued to your side from here to Wano." 

"I'm sure it's something I can get used to."

She squeezed him gently, then let go and grabbed the cups, taking them with her as she made her way to the crow's nest, leaving Sanji to pour the tea and wipe the tears from his cheeks.

When he joined his nakama in the nest, Chopper's beaming face and Nami's warm smile eased some of the lingering tightness in his chest. Chopper's eyes practically had stars in them as Sanji handed poured his hot chocolate, gently reminding him to let it cool a bit before drinking it this time.

As the three of them drank, and Chopper exclaimed softly over the constellations Nami pointed out, and the deep blue velvet of the sky faded into brilliant reds and greens and yellows, Sanji managed to forget about his fear and guilt and sadness, just for that moment, and let contendedness take over. 

* * *

As predicted, Luffy barely let Sanji out of his sight. From the minute he bounded through the kitchen door near midday, hours after Brook and Carrot had woken up, he was by Sanji's side.

Sanji could tell how truly reluctant Luffy was to be parted from him by the way he visibly restrained himself from stealing food. Every time he caught himself reaching for something, his other hand would reach out and drag it back. It was quite ridiculous to watch, but Sanji appreciated the effort.

Eventually, Luffy realised it would be easier just sitting on his hands, and he spent the next ten minutes seated on the counter, swinging his legs and humming 'Bink's Sake' under his breath as he watched Sanji quickly reheat the food he'd had finished almost an hour ago.

No one had wanted to eat without Luffy there, and Sanji had, strangely, been fine with waiting. Normally he would send someone to wake their lazy captain, but he knew that Luffy had a lot of resting to do in order to heal. And Sanji had promised him a big, delicious breakfast when he woke up, so he took as much time as he could to make it as delicious as possible, even though he wondered if Luffy even remembered their sleep-addled conversation. 

"Right, Luffy," he said, fishing through the stacks of chipped and cracked plates for the most usable ones before handing them, with mismatched cutlery piled on top, to the eager boy in front of him, "go set the table, and we can all finally get some grub."

" _Yes_!" Luffy all but yelled, and bounded to the table, slamming the stack of plates down and almost shattering all of them. Sanji sighed, but couldn't stop a smile from stretching across his face. _Jeez, I'm going soft. What would the old geezer say..._

He realised with a jolt of anxiety that he hadn't checked up on the Baratie yet. He wondered if anything had happened to them. If, in spite of the almost-but-not-quite truce he had parted the Vinsmokes on, any threats had been followed through. The thought made him feel lightheaded, and he leaned against the counter as he swayed where he stood. 

"Sanji-san?" Brook's quietly concerned voice brought him back to the present, where the crew were sitting around the table, empty plates in front of them, waiting patiently for the food he had spent all morning preparing.

"A-ah, yeah, right," he quickly piled the plates, heaped with fruits and meats and sandwiches and whatever else he had managed to salvage, on his arms and walked carefully to the table. He placed each dish in front of them, and Luffy, Chopper and Carrot wasted no time at all in digging in. However, Nami and Brook watched Sanji carefully as he walked around the table to his seat, distractedly eyeing the den-den mushi, trying to decide if it was worth the call or if he was just being paranoid.

"Sanji-san," he looked at Brook, "are you alright?"

"Ah, yeah," he smiled at the musician as reassuringly as he could, "don't mind me, just a bit tired is all."

Neither Brook nor Nami looked reassured, but they both dropped it and reached for whatever food was left, Luffy having already devoured a large portion of it. After that, breakfast passed as chaotically as usual, gradually becoming a battle to get as much food as possible before Luffy finished it all.

Usually, Sanji would manage to restrain him before he deprived everyone else of a healthy meal, but this time whenever Sanji tried to muster up the agitation usually required to kick some good manners into him, he would feel that twinge in his legs, that _ache_ that hadn't quite faded since that first kick had connected with Luffy's chest.

Sanji wondered how long it would take for that ache to disappear, or if it ever would, and found that he had rather lost his appetite. He pushed his half-empty plate towards Luffy - who barely even registered it before emptying it down his throat - and began gathering empty plates to wash up.

He ignored the two pairs of eyes following him.

He knew what he was doing, how differently he was acting. He had been here before. He was familiar with the aching tightness in his chest that kept him constantly worried; the nausea that never quite abated, keeping his appetite low and his mind distracted. He had been through this before. He would get through it again. 

Eventually. 

Trying not to let his mind wander, he listened to the babble behind him as he washed the dishes at the sink. Luffy, Brook and Chopper discussing which cakes they wished they could have tried before leaving Whole Cake Island, Nami and Carrot reminiscing quietly about Pedro - Sanji still couldn't quite believe it, couldn't quite accept it - and Brook humming tunelessly to himself.

One by one, they finished, brought their empty plates to him (he politely but firmly declined Nami's offer to wash up) and thanked him heartily for another delicious meal. Finally, he was left alone in the kitchen - apart from Luffy, of course, who reclaimed his position on the counter without missing a beat.

"You should call him," Luffy said suddenly, and Sanji almost dropped the plate he was holding shock.

"Wha-"

"Moustache," Sanji snorted at the nickname, "you should call him. You were thinking about it, just do it." Sanji looked at him, surprised he had noticed, then surprised at himself for being surprised. 

"I know. I just - don't want to seem paranoid," he rolled his eyes at Luffy's confused look. "Like I'm worrying too much over nothing. I don't want to worry _him_ , either."

Luffy hummed thoughtfully, and said, "but it's nice that you still _can_ call him, just to talk to him, y'know?" Sanji felt a coldness sweep through him. _Ah, of course_.

"I'm sorry," he said, almost automatically, earning a sharp look from Luffy.

"What are you apologising for _now_ , baka?" Sanji laughed.

"It's just, well, I know how much you miss Ace, how much you must want to talk to him. I'm sorry if -" he stopped to think about how to phrase it in a way Luffy might understand. "I'm sorry if my reluctance to contact Zeff, my family, might seem... like I'm not grateful to still have him?" Sanji realised how ridiculous he must sound. He looked at Luffy, and Luffy looked at him, and they both seemed just as confused as each other. Luffy scoffed.

"You not calling Moustache has _nothing_ to do with me and Ace," his face became thoughtful. "But I guess you're kinda right. I _do_ wish I could talk to Ace again. I never actually called him while he was... when I could have. But I wish I had. You should _definitely_ call Moustache." He said it with such a note of finality Sanji wondered if it was more of an order than a suggestion.

Sanji blinked past the tears that had gathered in his eyes as his captain spoke - he was so tired of crying.

"Luffy," his captain looked at him with those wide, wide eyes, and Sanji paused. He had been ready to try to console Luffy, to try his hardest to move the conversation away from the topic of Ace, still so raw. But looking at his captain now, so open and thoughtful and honest, what came out of his mouth instead was, "will you tell me about it?" Luffy tilted his head.

"About what?"

"A-about - having a brother... a real brother. One who - who loved you."

Luffy's eyes widened in surprise, before he smiled sweetly and hopped off the counter. He landed in front of Sanji, faces barely an inch apart, and Sanji stumbled back until he hit the damp sink behind him. Luffy smiled wider, stretched an arm behind him to remove his hat, then placed it firmly on Sanji's head.

Then, ignoring Sanji's reddening cheeks and teary eyes, he grabbed his cooks hand and dragged him over to the table. They both sat. Luffy's knees brushed against Sanji, and he didn't let go of his hand as he began to speak.

Sanji listened, and didn't talk, as his captain told him about how Ace used to be, and how he had hated Luffy at first (Sanji couldn't picture it, not at all), and how eventually he had come to love Luffy as much as Luffy loved him. Sanji watched as Luffy's eyes took on a faraway look - not like what had become his 'usual' faraway look, filled with loneliness and longing. This one was filled with nostalgia and love and only an echo of that ache that Sanji knew would never really disappear completely. He still felt it for his mother, even after all these years.

He only interrupted his captain once, at the mention of an unfamiliar name. 

"Sabo? Who's Sabo?" Luffy gasped so dramatically Sanji half expected him to start choking. He watched as Luffy exclaimed and reached up to pull at his hair.

" _Ah_! I forgot! Sanji hasn't met Sabo yet!"

"Wha - Luffy, who?"

Luffy grinned more widely than Sanji had seen in days, and his eyes seemed overly bright as he reached out to take Sanji's hands in his again. 

"Sabo is my _other_ brother!" Sanji blinked.

"You. You're joking."

"Nope! See, me and Ace thought he was dead, 'cause his boat was blown up when we were kids, and he didn't come home. But then, in Dressrosa - he was _there_! Apparently he got hurt real bad, back then, and he forgot about lots of stuff like me and Ace for some reason, but when he read about Ace in the newspaper he remembered again!"

Luffy was grinning so widely it must have been painful. Sanji just gaped at him, completely lost for words. "He found me in Dressrosa, and we talked for a bit, but he left again before I really got to talk to him. See, he's a Revolutionary. Like, the second in command or something. Oh, _and_ he ate Ace's devil fruit! It's _so cool_ -"

"You - have another brother?" Luffy nodded.

"You thought he was dead?" Another nod.

"But he's not?"

"No, baka, pay attention."

Sanji looked at the boy in front of him, so full of joy and kindness and love in spite of all the heartache he had been through. Sanji pulled on their joined hands until he was hugging him. Luffy made a pleasantly surprised noise and reached up to return the embrace.

"I - that's good. That's so _good_ , Luffy."

"Yeah! I can't wait for you to meet him, you can cook him the most amazing meal he's ever had!" Sanji tried to pull away but Luffy held tight. "So don't... don't do that again, okay? I can't lose you. Not like _that_. Not like Ace." Sanji forgot how to breathe for a second. He swallowed thickly, wondering if he dared...

"What do you mean, Luffy?"

Luffy didn't respond for a long moment. When he did his voice had lowered to a hoarse whisper, which Sanji could barely hear over the thumping of his own heartbeat.

"Ace - he s-sacrificed himself. For _me_." Sanji felt the dull ache in his chest swell to a sharp stab. _Oh, god_... "He died for me. And I - you almost - you tried to do the same thing. And I don't know what I would have done if I had lost _you_ too, just like Ace..." Sanji shifted so that one of his hands rested in Luffy's hair. 

"Luffy, I'm sorry. I never meant to scare you like that. I just - I was scared too... I didn't want to lose you either." Luffy nodded. "If my father had gotten his hands on you, if my family had been able to hurt you like they hurt me - I would never have been able to live with myself. But I guess I ended up hurting you worse than they ever could have... I'm so sorry, Luffy."

Luffy sniffed noisily, and Sanji was pretty sure he felt him rub his nose on his shirt, then he pulled back and looked at Sanji with a solemn look on his face. 

"I won't ask you to promise me you won't do it again, because I know you can't promise that," Sanji must have looked as surprised as he felt, because Luffy elaborated. "You've always been like that. From the first time I met you, and you let that weird guy - Plate? No, Pearl - beat you up, 'cause Gin had a gun to Moustache's head. And Usopp told me what happened on Skypiea, how you pushed him and Nami out the way and took all of Earlobe's lightning yourself. Then there was Sabaody-"

" _Stop_." Luffy huffed, and crossed his arms.

"My point is, you're _always_ doing this stuff. You can't help it, like me stealing food. It's because you care so much about everyone, and because you're so kind, you just forget to watch out for yourself, too. So I won't ask you to stop, I'll just have to keep a closer eye on you from now on. I promise I'll look after you, Sanji."

Sanji ignored the tears sliding down his cheeks, just like Luffy was ignoring his own.

"Okay, Luffy," he said hoarsely. "You're right, I can't promise I won't do absolutely anything to protect you and the rest of our nakama, and I can't promise that you won't lose me one day," he reached forward to grip Luffy's shoulders tightly. "But I promise I'll try to look after myself more, Luffy. I promise I'll try to - to not get hurt, instead of just making sure no one else does. I don't know how much it'll help, but I promise I'll _try_. I'll try to make sure you don't lose anyone else like that. Never again."

Luffy wiped his eyes and nodded. Then he shook himself and grinned cheekily.

"Make me a snack?" Sanji rolled his eyes and ruffled his captains hair as he stood.

"Fine. Go ask the others if they want anything." He started to remove the strawhat to return to his captain, but stopped when Luffy grabbed his arm and shook his head.

"Keep it. Until you feel better."

Then he was gone, voice ringing across the deck as he shouted on the others.

Sanji felt better already. But he kept wearing the hat anyway. And before he went to the kitchen, he sat by the den-den mushi. He had a call to make. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm kinda laughing at myself a bit over how carried away I got with this chapter. Sanji and Luffy are my absolute favourite characters, so if this chapter focused too much on Sanji then I'm only a wee bit sorry. I'm quite disappointed with how abruptly WCI ended and how little resolution there seemed to be to Sanji's storyline, so this is basically more how I wanted it to end. Rereading it before posting I'm noticing an unholy amount of hugs and tears, but oh well. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading it, because I certainly enjoyed writing it. Hopefully after I finish this fic I'll get around to writing more about Sanji, I love him so much! 
> 
> Thank you again for all the support, I really appreciate it and it inspires me to keep writing!


	6. Nami

Nami first started noticing something was wrong when she caught Luffy asleep at the galley table. 

This in itself wasn't unusual, she reminded herself. It wasn't unlike her captain to nap in unusual places - he and Zoro were often tripped over as they sprawled in front of doors or at the bottom of the stairs or in the middle of the floor. It shouldn't have been unusual to find her captain sleeping with his head buried in his arms where they rested on the table, head partially covered by his precious strawhat.

But it _was_.

Sanji was sitting across from him, looking just as puzzled as Nami felt, but with something else on his face, too. Something concerned. 

Nami sat next to the cook, and he jerked slightly as though he hadn't noticed her come in. She held a finger to her lips to stop him from launching into his usual spiel, and was relieved when he only smiled sheepishly and nodded. 

"What is it?" She whispered.

"I'm not sure," he whispered back, returning his gaze to Luffy, who didn't stir. "I can't figure it out, either." He sighed, and the concerned glint in his eye intensified. "I don't think he's been sleeping well. I'm pretty sure a lot of mornings he's awake before me, even if he doesn't get up at the same time."

"Is it... nightmares? Or do you think maybe it's just some kind of routine he got into over the past two years?" Sanji gave her a deadpan look, and almost immediately looked mortified at himself. Nami bit her lip to stop herself from laughing.

"U-uh, I just, I don't think Luffy will ever really be the 'routine' type, do you?" Nami snorted as quietly as she could.

"Well, no, I guess you're not wrong there," she looked at Luffy as the muscles in his arms tensed and relaxed again as he slept. "It must be nightmares then." Sanji sighed, and nodded.

"Yeah, I guess so."

Luffy shifted, and made a small noise, then jolted, similar to the way Sanji had when Nami had taken him by surprise. 

As Luffy slowly sat up and rubbed his eyes sleepily, Sanji and Nami immediately turned to each other and tried to look as though they had been in the midst of a conversation, and hadn't, in fact, been staring intensely at their captain while he slept.

"Hm? What? Sanji, is it breakfast-time yet?" Sanji sighed good-naturedly.

"No, baka, I'm just about to get started on dinner. It's still the same day, you just fell asleep. Again."

Luffy blinked, actually looking mildly embarrassed. Nami narrowed her eyes as she took in his tired appearance - the darkening shadows under his eyes, the way his smile didn't seem as wide and blinding as usual.

Something was definitely wrong.

Nami didn't say anything as Luffy shook himself fully awake and followed Sanji to the kitchen, the cook immediately berating him - though not nearly as harshly as he usually would have done when Luffy bothered him while he was cooking. Nami knew he was just as concerned as she was.

As Nami watched Luffy jump excitedly around the busy cook, never still, never silent for any longer than it took for him to gather a breath - Nami realised what it had been. What had been so _wrong_ about the way Luffy had slept.

He had been _quiet_. 

Usually, whenever Luffy sleeps, he sprawls out in almost unnatural positions, taking up as much room as possible - and he makes as much noise as possible. Always snoring, or mumbling, or groaning. He had never, by any means, been a quiet sleeper - yet he had been almost completely silent as he had slept at the table.

Nami didn't know what to make of that realisation. _Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Two years is a long time, maybe he really has changed._

The thought wasn't as much of a comfort as she had been hoping for. 

* * *

"Oi, Luffy, wake up," Nami looked up from her map to where Usopp, Luffy, Chopper and Brook were playing cards across the deck from her. Usopp was shaking Luffy's shoulder, their captain's head pillowed on the sharpshooter's shoulder, "c'mon, how are you able to fall _asleep_ at the pivotal part of the game?"

Luffy groaned and huffed as he lifted his head and blinked blearily at them all. 

"Huh? Did I win?"

"No, you idiot! You fell asleep!"

Luffy scratched his head, "Did I? Sorry, sorry. Uh, play again?" Usopp shook his head incredulously, and Chopper abandoned his cards in favour of climbing onto Luffy's lap and pressing a hoof against his forehead, looking into his eyes.

"Are you feeling ill? You seem to be sleeping a lot more than usual..."

"Or perhaps you're not getting enough sleep at night, Luffy-san?" Nami should have learned to expect Brook's perceptiveness at this point, but sometimes he still managed to surprise her. Luffy shook his head a bit too forcefully.

"I'm fine! I'm okay, Chopper, honestly. I'm just a bit sleepy is all." Chopper didn't look convinced, but when Luffy smiled sweetly at him he nodded and reluctantly returned to his deck, gasping in horror when he saw he had left them face up rather than down.

While Usopp and Brook reassured Chopper that they hadn't looked at his hand, Nami watched Luffy. He was frowning slightly, and yawned aggressively, as through he hoped that if he yawned hard enough then he might banish his exhaustion. He stretched, and rubbed his eyes, and tensed his muscles, and slapped a wide, wide grin on his face - and was asleep again within five minutes.

When Usopp felt the weight on his shoulder again he only sighed and pried Luffy's cards out of his lax hands, reshuffling the deck and dealing it for the three awake players.

Nami supposed it was for the best. 

* * *

The first few times, Nami was able to dismiss it as inconsequential - if Luffy wasn't able to sleep well at night, at least he was catching up a bit during the day. And if he got in the way when he did fall asleep, he usually slept deeply enough for one of them to move him somewhere less in-the-way. Zoro often joined him in his nap. 

It was when Luffy first fell asleep on his special seat that Nami began to realise this may be more of a problem than she had originally thought. She didn't want to think about what could have happened if Sanji, their strongest swimmer, hadn't brought her and Robin drinks at that moment. 

" _Luffy_!" Before Nami had even figured out what had happened Sanji had dropped the empty tray and dived into the water after the boy.

Nami put her drink on the table beside her and sprinted to the railings, distantly aware of Robin doing the same and the others rousing from their separate activities around the ship at the cook's panicked call.

"What the fuck happened?" Zoro yelled.

"Luffy fell into the sea, obviously!" Nami shouted back. 

"Ah! We need to get him-"

" _Chopper, no_!" Usopp just barely managed to catch the little reindeer before he too vanished into the water below them. " _When_ will you start remembering that _you_ can't swim either?"

"O-oi," Frank lifted his shades as he squinted into the water, "I can't see either of them... maybe someone really  _should_ -"

Sanji finally resurfaced, a limp Luffy slung over one arm and the strawhat gripped tightly in the other, and Nami released a breath she didn't realise she had been holding. Sanji coughed a few times before calling up to them hoarsely.

"He sank pretty damn fast, and his hat fell off, too - had to swim even further to grab it..." He slung the string of the hat around Luffy's neck so he could grab onto the rope Zoro tossed down to them.

Chopper was by his side immediately when they were both hauled onto the deck. Luffy was yet to regain consciousness, and the tension everyone felt was growing - usually at this point Luffy would be limp and exhausted, but awake and coherent.

As Usopp ran inside to get towels, Nami sat by Luffy, lifting his head onto her lap and holding him there while Chopper laid an ear against his chest and felt above his mouth for a breath. When the reindeer frowned and straightened up again slowly, Nami felt a cold fear grip her. 

"Ch-Chopper, is he okay?"

"He's breathing, and his heart is beating... so why isn't he-"

Luffy snored. 

Usopp froze midway through draping a towel over Sanji's shoulders. Everyone stared. Luffy snored again. Zoro snorted.

"You - have _got_ to be _shitting_ me?" Sanji sounded torn between incredulous laughter and indignant rage.

"My, my..." Robin chuckled lightly behind her hand, Brook joining her. Nami clenched a fist and rapped it against Luffy's head. 

"Luffy, baka! Wake the hell up!"

Luffy mumbled and sniffed before opening his eyes, squinting against the glaring sun above him. Nami moved so that her head shaded his, and he could see her anger and concern clearly. He blinked at her, and his eyes widened slightly as he took in his nakama surrounding him, wearing expressions ranging from furious to concerned to amused. 

"Uh, what happened, again?"

Sanji's face turned as red as Luffy's coat, and he opened his mouth around the start of what was bound to be a venomous retort, before sighing and slumping where he sat. Nami blinked at him in surprise as he only shook his head and stood, trembling slightly from the cold seawater plastering his clothes to his body.

"You fell asleep, _again_ , you idiot." He met Luffy's eyes and said in a quiet voice filled with anger and hurt and fear, "You could have _died_ , Luffy." He turned and marched to the boys' dorms, toweling his hair and hiding his face.

Luffy sat up slowly, lifting his strawhat from where it had been resting on his shoulder. Nami supported his back as his arms trembled under his weight. Her anger was fading fast - it never really could last very long with her captain. She held his chin and turned his face towards her. 

"Luffy, are you okay?" He smiled at her, the shadows under his eyes starkly clear against his pale face. 

"Yeah, of course! Sanji pulled me out."

Nami sighed. "You must know that's not what I meant..."

"Bro, we know you've been having a bit of a rough time sleeping lately," Frank crouched at Luffy's other side, but still towered over them. "If you want to talk about it-"

"Eh? I'm just a bit tired is all, you guys don't need to worry so much." Usopp barked a harsh sounding laugh, and though it sounded angry Nami thought he looked close to tears.

"Yeah," his voice was laden with sarcasm, "you just fell asleep on the rail and almost _drowned_ , why the hell should we be _worried_?"

"Luffy, you need to be more careful!" Chopper climbed onto Luffy's lap and looked at him with wide, tearful eyes. "What if Sanji hadn't found you fast enough? Or if no one else had been on the deck when you fell?"

"Maybe you should avoid sitting on your special seat until you're sleeping a bit better-"

"I'm sleeping fine!" Nami jumped a little at the forceful way Luffy cut Brook off. "Look, I just fell asleep. I always fall asleep. So does Zoro! You guys aren't moaning at _him_!" Usopp rubbed his temple.

"Zoro didn't almost drown, Luffy..."

"I didn't drown, either!"

"But you _could have_ -"

Robin's quiet voice cut through their arguing like a knife through butter. "Luffy, you really ought to change into some dry clothes, otherwise you might catch a cold."

Luffy huffed, and when he gently lifted Chopper from his lap Nami helped him to his feet. When she was certain he wasn't going to keel over without her supporting him, she let go of his elbow, Usopp immediately taking her place and walking him briskly towards the bathroom, muttering about idiocy and hot baths and glad-you're-alrights.

The rest of them stood silently, slightly dumbfounded, and stared after them. Sanji emerged from the dorms, wearing dry clothes and a deep scowl. He looked at them, noted the absence of the object of his vexation, and stormed into the kitchen.

"We need to fix this," Nami said quietly to the others. Frankly nodded solemnly.

"Well, yeah, but I don't think Luffy's gonna let us help him much. I mean, he outright _lied_ to us just now." Robin hummed thoughtfully.

"If we give him time - keep reminding him that he can talk to us, but not try to force him into talking about anything - I think he _will_ come to us. After all, he has already opened up about some things." Nami nodded, not sure about the specifics, but knowing that Luffy had spoken to some individual crewmembers about whatever he had experienced during their years apart.

"I just hope he manages to sleep more," she said, "and until we know that he is getting enough sleep, we _should_ try to keep an eye on him." Zoro snorted again.

"Somehow I don't think that'll make much of a difference. Luffy'd manage to fall overboard even with every one of us watching him. He always finds a way to get into trouble." They all laughed rather reluctantly at that.

"Yohoho, still," sighed Brook, "I think Nami-san has a point. If Luffy-san manages to fall overboard and no one is there to pull him out... I dread to think of what would happen."

Nami nodded, closing her eyes as the thought of Luffy lying pale and cold and alone at the bottom of the dark ocean flitted across her mind. It truly was unbearable.

"We'll just have to be subtle enough that Luffy doesn't pick up on it," she said in a voice that was far more confident than she was feeling. "I mean, that shouldn't be too hard. And that way, even if we can't stop him from falling, we'll still be able to jump in after him if he does. Brook, Robin, Chopper - you guys come get one of us if you see Luffy fall in. Do _not_ jump in after him. Got it, Chopper?"

The little doctor shuffled embarrassedly, but nodded with a steely look of determination in his eyes. Robin smiled at him, and rested a gentle hand on his head. When he looked up at her she nodded to the kitchen, and with comforting smiles at the rest of them, the two made their way to the galley - likely to make an attempt at calming Sanji before lunch.

Nami sighed, feeling a headache building, and made her way back to where her work had been scattered in her panic. 

* * *

Luffy tumbled off the rails twice more over the next three days. When Nami walked out of the bathroom on the third day to see Zoro wringing out the sleeves of his coat (Nami could tell how concerned he was really becoming by his distinct lack of grumbling) she knew that her initial plan wasn't going to work. 

According to Sanji, for the past week or so Luffy had been awake at the same time he and Brook woke up - which was earlier than anyone else on the crew. This in itself would not have been _such_ a major concern - Luffy had always slept and woken at whatever time suited him - if Usopp had not also noted Luffy's still being awake when _he_ went to bed, which tended to be quite a bit later than the rest of the crew. 

Nami had hoped it would pass. She had experienced this kind of thing before, years ago - the sleepless nights, the exhausted days. She knew how it felt, and she knew it wasn't Luffy's fault. But she had learned to control her insomnia, so that when it did strike, it lasted a handful of days, at most.

Luffy was going to waste away at this rate.

Nami waited until the boys had taken Luffy to the bath, fondly exasperated, and made sure he changed into some warm clothes. After he was seated at the galley table, hands wrapped around a cup of hot chocolate piled high with cream, Nami made her move. 

"Luffy," his head snapped up, eyes wide. Nami felt only slightly guilty about the fact that he seemed to expect some sort of lecture, "want to come sit with me in the aquarium? We can pick out some fish for Sanji to cook later?" Luffy's face blossomed into an expression of pleased surprise, and he quickly stood. Nami rolled her eyes when he slopped hot chocolate and cream onto his hand. He quickly licked it off and made his way more carefully out the door and to the aquarium. Nami made to follow him.

"Nami-san," she turned to look at the cook, one hand on the doorknob. He hesitated, then shook his head and merely said, "good luck." Nami nodded, even though his back was already turned, and continued out the door.

By the time she got the aquarium half of Luffy's drink was gone, and he had his head resting on his folded arms as he watched the different fish swim past him. 

"Chosen anything yet, captain?" Luffy hummed at her and pointed to a particularly large squid-like creature he and Usopp had hauled onto the deck the day previously. Nami nodded approvingly. "Sanji'll have a grand feast for us tonight."

Nami looked at the boy next to her. His exhaustion was clear as day on his face, the blue glow from the fish tank making him look more ghostly than anything. The shadows under his eyes had developed into bags, his usually vibrant eyes had dulled, his mouth had a tired downward tilt to it that made Nami's stomach clench. She sighed and shuffled closer to him on the bench, reaching up to take one of his hands in hers and pull it down so that she held it between them. Luffy blinked at her.

"Luffy, please, _please,_ talk to me." He frowned, and Nami felt him pull his hand back slightly, but she held tight and he didn't try to move again. "I won't tell anyone else anything you don't want me to, and I won't force you to tell me anything you don't want me to. But keeping it all to yourself isn't helping you Luffy, it's only making things worse." He glanced quickly at her face then back to the fishtank, lifting his hat onto his head with his free hand.

"I _can_ handle it by myself, though. I did it plenty while we were all separated, I can do it again now."

"When we were all separated you had no choice, Luffy. We're together now. We're _here_ now. We can help-"

"I don't _need_ your help. You don't need to worry about me, I'm fine." Nami snorted.

"You really think seeing you like this isn't making us even more worried? Luffy, you're _exhausted_. You're - _suffering_. We hate seeing you like this and not being able to help."

He shivered slightly and tightened his grip on her hand.

"It's not," he spoke quietly, "this isn't something you can fix, Nami. I don't think it can be _fixed_."

"We can help you _sleep_ , Luffy. Once you start sleeping better, it'll all start to get easier. I don't know what it is exactly that's keeping you up at night. And you're right, I don't think any of us have the power to 'fix' that, whatever it is. But we can help you sleep, and maybe make it less of a burden on you. You just have to let us in, Luffy."

She watched his face as he struggled, his expression morphing from frustration to nervousness to something uncomfortably close to fear. Finally he turned to look at her, and she steeled herself so as not to reveal how much his tired, tired eyes upset her. She nodded at him, and he sighed.

"It's just-" he stopped abruptly, and reached for his cup, taking a large gulp, and side-eyeing her nervously. He drained it, then set it to the side. Nami felt his hand growing sweaty in hers, but didn't release it. "I just - keep seeing... things. Horrible things. F-from Marineford, mostly." His hand twitched at the name, fingers tightening almost painfully for a split second before loosening again.

"Every time I go to sleep, I see them. And sometimes it's not - well, I mean it is _bad_ , but sometimes I can just kind of - push past it, and think about something else, and sleep anyway. But then, other times..." He shuddered, and Nami moved closer again, wrapping her other hand around their clasped ones.

"It's fine, Luffy, go on." He shook his head but continued talking anyway.

"I just - I see - _Ace_. And when I see him, I can't see anything else, good or bad. I - he died, right in _front_ of me. He died _for_ me, and I - I can't _not_ see it whenever I go to sleep. It's just always there." Nami's eyes were wide.

"He - you saw-" Luffy closed his eyes and nodded, and Nami felt ill with despair and fury and regret and helplessness. She wasn't sure if she was shaking, or if it was Luffy. Probably both. "I - I'm sorry. God, I'm so _sorry_ , Luffy." 

Luffy kept his eyes closed as Nami took deep, steadying breaths. 

"Luffy, you know about what happened with Bellemere-san, don't you? Nojiko told you all about it?" He sniffed and nodded. "Nojiko and I, we saw her - our mother - get shot and killed right in front of us, to _save_ us. It's something that has stayed with us our entire lives, and I'm not going to lie to you, I imagine Ace's death will stay with you for the rest of yours." Luffy nodded again and sighed almost impatiently, opening his eyes and looking at her. 

"I know that," he said hoarsely. "I _know_ that I'll never be able to forget it, and I know that I _shouldn't_ forget it. Because - because that was the last moment I spent with Ace, and I don't want to forget it, or forget _him_. I just - I wish I could remember him without remembering _that_."

"It will come, Luffy. It'll take time, lots of time, but that will come."

"I know."

"You know, I went through this kind of thing a lot after Bellemere-san died," he raised an eyebrow at her, and she nodded. "The nightmares would keep me up for weeks at a time at first, then, when I found a way to make it easier, just a few days. It hasn't happened for a while now, only once over the past two years." Their hands were still joined, and they both looked at them as Nami ran her worn thumb over Luffy's soft knuckles. "I used to wake up crying in the middle of the night, and it would stay with me, that feeling, that image, for hours, sometimes all day afterwards.

"When I was with Arlong, I had to go through it alone. I didn't have anyone there for me. But other times, after I had started venturing out to steal for him, I was able to return to the village, and stay in my old house. And I realised that Nojiko went through the same thing as me. So, at night, if one of us had a nightmare, or even if we just needed each other's company, we would sleep together, side by side. And Luffy," he met her gaze, "it helped. It really helped. I was almost always able to get back to sleep, just knowing that she was there, next to me. You can do that too, whenever you need to. We would all be perfectly fine with you sharing our beds. Just as long as you don't kick us off or steal the blankets or anything." He grinned sheepishly, and she smiled back at him.

"I think... that would be good," he said, sounding unsure, but maybe a bit hopeful too, Nami hoped. "I just-" he looked thoughtful, "yeah, yeah, that would be good."

He squeezed her hands, and pulled away. He didn't say anything else as he took his empty cup and left the aquarium. Nami heard him calling on Sanji, asking him when he was going to make dinner and to cook 'the big arms-y fish thing'.

She took a shuddering breath, and tried not to think about what she had learned, or to feel like Luffy had just lied to her. 

* * *

It was a few nights later when Luffy first came to her. 

Nami woke suddenly, and just barely managed not to shriek when something icy rubbed down her leg. 

"Mm, Nami, move up a bit. I can't fit..." 

She sighed, and groaned, and grumbled at him for waking her so early, and shifted over slowly for him to climb in next to her, and berated him softly about his freezing skin as she wrapped her arms around his trembling waist, and told him if he stole her blanket while she slept his debt would be increased tenfold.

And she smiled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou again for all the support for this fic! I've mistakenly left the most difficult characters (for me to write) until the end, so it might be a while before I update again. Reviews are appreciated! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!


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